Sister abuses alcohol and me
DEAR ANNIE » I was, not for the first time, physically assaulted by my sister on Christmas a couple of years ago.
It has been an ongoing pattern since we were young, and these days it is triggered by her drinking. I seem to be her go-to punching bag. This was my last straw, as I am an adult and can choose who I have in my life. I have decided to avoid that kind of toxicity.
The problem is, she lives with my mother. I told Mom I choose not to be around this sister. I understand her choices as a mother, and I asked her to please understand my choice as an adult to avoid any abuse. Mom has been very understanding and comes to visit when she can (we live near each other). I miss out on a lot of family communication for weeks because I can’t call her without my sister answering the phone or listening in on our conversations. I’m lucky if and when Mom calls me; it’s usually when my sister is not home.
As for any holidays I host, I invite Mom, but because she feels bad for leaving my sister out, she won’t come. Ever since the Christmas incident, the family will get together, and because my sister is there, I will not come. They all know this.
I feel the family has chosen her over me, knowing she is my aggressor, and it saddens me so much. I wonder, do families ever tell abusive family members to sit out a holiday? Or do they feel like it’s our problem, as the victim, that we won’t deal with these people? I have a cousin going through the same ordeal, and we both feel so abandoned. We don’t speak ill toward them; we just refuse to be around them. Therefore, it seems the only reason we can’t be there is because they are there.
Will we ever get our chance to have a holiday with our families again? It’s all so sad.
— Left Out
DEAR LEFT OUT » Your sister is a bully — punching you after she starts drinking, secretly listening in on your phone conversations, and making your mom feel guilty so that she can only contact you when your sister is not around. You, on the other hand, are a real champ for saying you won’t put up with being abused. Your feelings of isolation, however, are undoubtedly painful.
Such complex dynamics are not uncommon in families, and it’s important that you create an environment where everyone feels safe and welcome. Start by having an honest conversation with your family and sharing your perspective on the holidays as you have shared with me here. Perhaps there is an opportunity to have multiple celebrations or to plan an event for when your sister is out of town. While these solutions aren’t perfect, they could be a satisfactory compromise. Remember that change takes time, and there might be an adjustment period as your family tries to navigate the situation, siding with the victim and not the aggressor.