The Register Citizen (Torrington, CT)
Helping anxious teens cope with pandemic
Imagine being confined at home while — developmentally, as an adolescent — trying to assert independence, bond with peers and gain distance from parents. Imagine, as a teen, facing stressors such as prolonged periods of uncertainty, fear of infection, annoyance and boredom, lack of in-person interactions with peers, teachers, and coaches, lack of privacy at home, tension with siblings and parents, and family financial uncertainty.
How much more challenging must it be for your teen to navigate the current situation without the maturity or experience to cope?
Here are some suggestions to help them (and you) cope and increase resilience:
Self-care
First and foremost is self-care. Parents need extra fuel to mitigate the stressors of the current crisis. Your self-care is vital to you and your family. If you feel run-down, how can you possibly help your child? Your job is to help yourself before you help others; if you don’t prioritize yourself, you can end up feeling depleted and resentful. This is why flight attendants advise adults to secure their own oxygen masks first — if not, the adult and the minor could both go down. Let go of your to-do list, and focus on what is important to you. Practice daily exercise, healthy eating, proper sleep, mindfulness and self-compassion. This will help you, your children, and your family in the long run.
Role model
Lead by example: Your behaviors will encourage your teen’s imitation. Children are attuned to their parents’ behaviors, even if they appear tuned out. Try to become more aware of your emotions, to understand your triggers, and have a plan to beat the urge to “act out” in unproductive ways.
Reacting to setbacks with patience, flexibility and optimism is of course a difficult feat! Yet each time you can react calmly, you are teaching your teen how to handle challenges. You are sending a message that you’ve got the pandemic under control and that your family will be okay. This will build resilience in them, and in you.
Understand their frustrations
Listen and acknowledge your child’s feelings, even if the situations they describe seem insignificant to you. Show them you’re interested in understanding their experience, especially during home confinement. Your teen is missing out on hanging out with peers and important events, such as graduation, school trips, sports, competitions, school productions, and summer schedules.
Provide what’s called a “holding environment,” a space where your child feels heard, understood, and accepted. Focus on understanding their experience rather than trying to fix things — simply feeling understood can be extraordinarily powerful.
Increase positive experiences
Try to schedule times to just hang out with your teen. Engage in conversations and activities that you’re both passionate about. A sense of humor goes a long way. And provide praise: They care what you think, and it will boost their self-esteem. Teens enjoy different ways of conversing. Some enjoy a debate, so engage in a dialogue that allows for persuasion by the reasons and explanations they give. Others enjoy sharing intimate experiences, in which case they may appreciate hearing about your own past encounters with a crisis or suffering and how you coped or adapted to that challenging situation.
This may also be a good time to engage with your teenager about their plans and hopes for the future. In general, create experiences where your teen feels heard and understood, that they can then later reflect upon positively. These kinds of family experiences play a central role in a child’s wellbeing.
Managing their new schedule
Find a time when you and your child are calm, and willing to create a daily schedule together. Their schedule should include schoolwork, active time and free time, and be sure to carve out some one-on-one time to spend with them. Such a schedule will serve as a routine for your child to complete their school work, and designating a specific space for completing schoolwork can help tremendously. You should do this along with your child, as opposed to for your child. Having their input in developing their daily routine will increase “buy-in” and result in greater success for them.
When creating a daily routine, you might need to be more flexible, such as giving more breaks if your child is very active or creative. I encourage you not to focus on perfection when monitoring their progress — remember that they are navigating their online assignments for the first time. Try not to focus on adding extra drills or practice — focus on their effort, rather than on the final product.
On that note, provide praise to motivate them and help them participate in their own success. If your child has an issue, try to let them solve it first, but help them if they’re struggling. Encourage them to communicate with their teachers if they’re having trouble or have questions that you are unable to assist them with.
Provide a space where your child can reach what is known as the “Zone of Proximal Development,” a space where they can learn effectively by asserting their knowledge but also be appropriately challenged. And know when it’s important for your child to take a break — it’s okay to sometimes just make popcorn and put on a movie!
Simply feeling understood can be extraordinarily powerful.