Getting to roots of dental woes

I went to the dentist the other day. It’s such an exhilarating experience, I encourage all of you to try it … at least once.

The last time I saw my hygienist she said my teeth looked really sturdy and could last another century or so. I felt confident that I wouldn’t need a set of false teeth for whatever time I have left. She also assured me, “You’ll probably need knee replacement first.”

What do you expect from someone under 50? I was young once too, and back then I said foolish things like, “Let’s all get behind our president and reach deep into our pockets.”

I was so encouraged by my hygienist that if I had a Facebook account, I’d have put up a picture of my teeth with the headline, “Award-winning old-timer teeth headed for Dentistry Hall of Fame.”

I love going to the dentist because I always come away with some new revelation about life, love and root canals. My hygienist is better than a bartender when it comes to counseling and cheaper than a therapist. But this time — in addition to giving me my free semiannual toothbrush and floss and making me swear on my grandmother’s false teeth that I’d floss — she gave me some bad news.

My lower two front teeth had chipped. (Whatever happened to the greatest old teeth in America?)

Cracked teeth are nothing new to me. A few years ago, I got two cracks in my molars, both from biting into olives that were supposed to be pitted … at the same restaurant, if you can believe that. I should have sued. Instead, I paid a few thousand and got gold crowns, which made me look like one of the Sopranos, or Madonna when she wears those grills on her gnashers.

I’m afraid I might lose these chipped teeth. There’s nothing more sinister than a geezer who’s missing his two front teeth. That sort of thing is great for little kids, who can prance around the tannenbaum while singing, “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.” But a guy my age? No way.

My dentist said I must be grinding my teeth at night, although I assured her I never did, except when I got the bills for my daughters’ college tuition and realized I wasn’t getting much for the money, and neither were they.

Then, she told me about a law of dental physics, which affects everyone as they get old. Your teeth start to push inward, sort of like dental plate tectonics. This causes crooked, cracked and chipped teeth.

“Besides, your teeth are probably tired,” the hygienist said.

Teeth get tired? Is that a clinical term they teach at the Hollywood School of Dentistry? I probably was too zealous cleaning them for so many years with vigorous brushing and flossing. Can you imagine what your face would look like if you cleaned it twice a day with a scrub brush?

As a desperate measure, I’ve developed my own dental preservation program to make sure my teeth last at least one more year. For starters, I’ll chew less. If they’re tired, I want to give them a rest. Plus, no more Milk Duds, Good & Plenty, or Charleston Chews.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to persuade my wife to let me get braces … even if it means we have to get rid of one of our cars, probably hers. That didn’t go over well. She told me I’m too old for braces, and that I should just accept the situation and keep my mouth shut.

My dentist said that for a few grand I could get those invisible braces that straighten your teeth without using metal, but my wife insists that at my age, it’s not a good investment, and the money could be better spent on my grandkids’ college education. Fat chance. Let them become plumbers or electricians because whenever I need a plumber or electrician, I can never find one.

I had braces when I was a kid. Some people — I’m not mentioning any names — had three sets of braces, and now she doesn’t want me to get them in my time of need.

Actually, I was a pioneer in the orthodontics movement and the first kid in the Valley to get braces. I even got into a fight with a kid on the school bus who kept taunting me and calling me “metal mouth.” It was a cruel world back then.

He later tried to get into the New York University School of Dentistry but ended up pursuing a career as a bouncer instead.

The hygienist is on my side in this debate. She said I owe it to myself to get invisible braces. She said I deserve them after putting four kids through college, paying for three weddings, and buying our dog three different kinds of treats.

I even pay for a landscaper because my wife says he does a better job than I do. Besides, she told me he needs the money to pay for his kids’ braces.