DEATH TO TAXES!

My revolutionary idea to save the little guy on tax day

The U.S. Postal Service would go under if it weren’t for junk mail, but I don’t think that’s what Ben Franklin had in mind.

April is my favorite month. You probably think it’s because of National Hug a Newsperson Day on April 4, but I’m not looking for hugs, although a Bundt cake would be nice. And it’s not National Hug Your Dog Day on April 10, which I always look forward to because my dog deserves hugs more than anyone. And it’s not National Columnists Day on April 18 — although I’ll take that Bundt cake now.

Actually, it’s the day that drives everyone crazy: Tax Day. Income tax returns are due on April 18, when postal workers will get stampeded by those of us who wait until the last minute.

When my students push the deadline to submit an assignment, my head starts spinning like Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist,” even though I do the same thing every year at tax time. I hate giving money to the government. I’d rather give it to a “worthy cause.” But there are so many worthy causes I’ve lost count.

Do you ever get tired of people asking for money? From the government to your church, to your favorite charity, to the school bake sale, to your neighborhood lemonade stand — and let’s not forget our kids and grandkids. But there’s only so much money to go around, until it comes down to financial survival of the fittest.

Lent just passed and we were supposed to be almsgiving. I do plenty of almsgiving because I’ve been told “God loves a cheerful giver,” although I’m not sure he actually said those exact words. (The Washington Post fact-checkers better get on the case.) Come to think of it, that could be the motto of the IRS with some minor modifications: “Uncle Sam loves a cheerful giver.”

Times are hard and people on fixed incomes are hurting, especially in Connecticut which is one of the least affordable states for retirees. Even people who aren’t on fixed incomes are hurting. Workers are getting laid off and prices keep going up. You might get a measly raise, but it won’t help much when the electric bill, the grocery bill, the fuel bill and all the other bills are pushing the outer limits.

That’s why a lot more seniors are working at McDonald’s and Home Depot, although I’ve yet to see one making Frappuccinos at Starbucks. It’s time for that forward-thinking company to practice what it preaches and show some real diversity by hiring a few octogenarians.

Everybody is trying to pick your pocket even when you don’t have money to spare. If your home is like mine, people are always calling for cash or promising to make you rich if you give them your savings. When times are hard, the scammers come out in full force.

Eighty percent of our landline calls are from telemarketers, and virtually every piece of mail we get is a solicitation, except for the bills. The U.S. Postal Service would go under if it weren’t for junk mail, but I don’t think that’s what Ben Franklin had in mind.

Every tax season I’m reminded of the words “Taxation without representation is tyranny,” which are attributed to patriot James Otis, or maybe it was Ronald Reagan.

So in the spirit of revolution that made America great, I have a revolutionary idea to help the little guy. Here’s my modest proposal: Since the party that wins the election — whether they’re Republicans or Democrats — typically does everything for its followers, we have to revise the U.S. tax code so nonpolitical citizens who are sick of the insanity and the demagoguery aren’t taxed at the same rate. Give us a break … and a tax break too.

In the interests of full disclosure, I don’t belong to a political party, and I subscribe to the philosophy of Henry David Thoreau, who famously said that government is best which doesn’t lie or bully or squander your money, or something along those lines. He went to jail rather than pay the poll tax that financed the MexicanAmerican War, which was championed by President James Polk and meant to expand slavery.

I better be careful because I don’t want to end up on the FBI “Secret Enemies List,” invented by J. Edgar Hoover. And PLEASE, don’t start sending me emails accusing me of trying to disrupt the democratic process.

If my idea became the law of the land, you wouldn’t care how crazy our political leaders were as long as you got a sizable tax break. Unfortunately, we live in a country where billionaires and corporations prop up candidates and get rewarded for their efforts. Have you ever seen a school teacher or plumber get named ambassador to Italy? I rest my case.

Under my plan, the under-represented would get a tax break that could pay for a vacation to Cancun, although vacationing in Mexico might not be such a good idea right now.

I don’t want you to think I’m a slacker who won’t carry his weight. Quite the contrary. I’m such a cheerful giver, I’d keep sending donations to the government to pay for snow removal and my mailwoman, who works hard for the money. (Just as long as those donations were tax deductible.)