Debs

erproof full down coat like my friend from Russia — “I’m Russian,” she says — who wears enough to disguise her identity, gender and species. This surprises me. I stupidly thought those accustomed to cold wear strapless, while those who aren’t pray to yaks. Sort of like the belief skinny people eat anything they want while everyone else eats nothing and gains weight.

Rule Number Four: Swaddle that neck. A fluffy scarf can double as a cover for your mouth and nose so you heat the air you breathe. Again, that’s if you choose to breathe. If you do, warmer air will keep your life-or-death organs toasty, especially if you’re older which leads to an inverse relationship with cold and another common expression: “I need a condo in the Keys.”

Rule Number Five: Coddle those hands and feet. Best to wear waterproof down mittens and thick wool socks under waterproof boots or you’ll fall victim to that other little known Norse saying, “Cold hands, cold feet, cold heart, where’s Florida?”

Like any good set of rules, this one is flexible depending on your plans. The longer you’ll be outside, the more you’ll have to bulk up and the more you’ll wonder if human beings should have migrated outside of Africa to Mesopotamia or wherever else they went to next.

One thing for sure — it wasn’t Norway.