Daughter’s online videos compromise future

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I have made sacrifices (driving older cars, modest vacations) to be able to send our kids to college with no debt.

One child, “Paula,” just finished her freshman year with good grades.

I recently discovered that Paula has publicly posted offensive videos, under her actual name, joking about serious issues like gender, race and disability.

I am horrified. This was not how she was raised. She said these are jokes, and no reasonable person would take them seriously. She believes that we are overreacting.

After much discussion, Paula finally acknowledged that others may judge her character based on the videos, which could result in her being blacklisted from educational and professional opportunities.

Amy, the videos are still up! Paula believes the risk is minimal, likes the attention, and has refused to take them down.

I worry that these videos are a ticking time bomb that will destroy her future.

My husband and I disagree on how to handle this.

I feel that our sacrifice should be commensurate with hers, and if she wants to make the adult decision to keep these videos up and risk her future, then she can likewise take the adult responsibility of paying for half of her tuition via student loans. He doesn’t want to “punish” her in this way. What do you think?

— Offended

DEAR OFFENDED

>> I think your daughter could have a tough time entering the job market — if she is lucky enough to matriculate from college.

However, in my view, forcing her to go into debt because of her offensive online behavior might not be a good investment in the longer term.

She would have a lot of trouble retiring that debt if no one will hire her after college — and so it might be “cheaper” for you to pay for her schooling now, hoping that she actually receives an education versus possibly being on the hook for her debt later, when she will almost certainly be unemployed.

If she has posted material in a public forum, then you — as a member of the public — have the right to let her know what you think of her hilarious jokes. Share your unvarnished reaction and your sense of disgust.

One appropriate consequence might for you to let her know now that you will not financially support her, post-college. This might inspire her to think more realistically about her own future.