Family plans ahead for being an afterthought

DEAR AMY >> I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years. Unlike my side of the family, who typically extend an invitation weeks in advance of an event, my husband’s side only issues invites two to three days before, even though we all live several hours apart.

Honestly, between our kids’ busy schedules and booking a dog sitter, we would need at least two or three weeks’ notice to attend an out-of-town event.

For years I thought they were simply lastminute planners. I got used to juggling/canceling plans and begging for a dog-sitter in order to go to their house.

What I have realized over the last two years is that we are the only ones getting the last-minute invite. The three older brothers and their parents often make plans in advance and simply exclude us (including going on a trip together as a large group, and not telling us until they had returned home).

I’m now of the firm belief that they don’t want us to attend family functions. I don’t think they hate us. There has never been any drama. I just think we aren’t interesting to them. My motherin-law plays favorites.

My husband acknowledges that their behavior isn’t respectful of our time. But he clings to the idea that the last-minute invitations are real.

I sympathize with him, even though they seem to be cutting out my very sweet and loyal husband from the family fold.

I actually like my in-laws, but if my attendance is somehow ruining their time, I would prefer to stay home.

Should we keep attending, or should I just sit my husband down and firmly explain that we aren’t wanted?

He is far too shy and quiet to ever confront them.

DEAR UNWANTED >> You seem to hold no ill will toward your in-laws. You interpret their behavior as proof that they are actively trying to exclude you. It’s also possible that they simply hold you and your family in such little regard that you are almost an afterthought.

I suggest that in the future when you are invited to a last-minute, out-oftown family function, you should kiss your husband, load him and the kids into the car, and stay home with the dog.

DEAR AMY >> “Ready for Change” was fed up with her husband’s drinking.

I hope all spouses of alcoholics understand that if their spouse seeks help to become sober, they should also seek help regarding how to be married to an alcoholic. — Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE >> Absolutely. This is where “friends and family” support groups like Al-Anon can be so helpful.