Sibling worries about eldercare

DEAR AMY >> I have three siblings. I am the oldest — 10 years older than my next sibling.

My wife and I are now in our mid-70s. We are retired and live on Social Security, her modest teacher's pension, and a sixfigure nest egg.

Two of my siblings have large incomes and considerable real-estate holdings. Another brother and his wife have professional jobs.

All the grandchildren in the family are now adults and on their own.

The controversy involves my 100-year-old mother, who lives in the East near my siblings in an expensive care facility. We live in another part of the country.

My siblings insist that we share the cost in equal measure.

We have offered to care for my mother in our home at no cost to them, but they have rejected the offer.

I believe that contributions should be based on individual circumstances and ability to pay. The disagreement has caused a rift among us. Is there a solution here?

— Stuck in Stalemate

DEAR STUCK >> Moving your 100-year-old mother to another part of the country to live in your home does not seem like a viable option for anyone, especially her. If she is happy and doing well where she is, then she should stay there.

I agree with you that siblings should contribute to an elder's care according to their circumstances and ability to pay.

When your siblings chose to move your mother into this expensive home, you should have made it clear at the outset that this was unaffordable for you.

Given your older age and more modest assets, you need to be careful with your own spending, and your younger siblings may not quite grasp how for many people retirement brings on an extreme drop in income, along with the possibility of increased expenses.

This is a “you can't get blood from a stone” situation, but you should offer to be of service to your mother in order to share the burden with your siblings. At the very least, you could offer to come to the area in order to be with your mother during times when your siblings need to be away.

DEAR AMY >> I love the answers that people use responding to intrusive questions, when these answers shut the conversation down.

I have one grown son who I could not love more.

He is my only child, and I often get asked why I didn't have more children.

It was not my choice, and I don't like discussing it with people I barely know, so I tell them, “Because I got it right the first time.”

That stops any further questions. — Satisfied

DEAR SATISFIED >> Perfect.