AIR FORCE VETERAN HELPS MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS CONNECT
Air Force veteran and devoted mom Charise Freeman knows firsthand the challenges that can affect mother/daughter relationships. Between deployments and the emotional distance that comes with it, she has been through it all.
That's why she feels so strongly about helping other mothers and daughters improve their own relationships. For nearly two years, Freeman has led “Growing In Love Together” monthly workshops rooted in understanding and implementing the five love languages.
Set within the warm atmosphere of Journey Coffee Co. in Fairfield — and now Vacaville — these workshops offer moms and daughters a special outing, as well as an opportunity to connect.
Each meeting focuses on one of the five love languages — physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality time. These 60-minute meetings get broken into four segments, starting with discussion and learning before progressing into activities and an implementation plan.
But before she was a mentor on the subject, Freeman started out like many of the mothers she helps now — wondering how to connect with her young daughter.
After eight years in the Air Force, Freeman was preparing to go on one of her last deployments when the caregiver asked Freeman what her daughter's favorite meal was. It was a wake-up call for Freeman, who had to respond that she didn't know.
It was mac and cheese, Freeman recalled. “I remember thinking, `Oh my gosh, I really don't know her in the way I want to,” she said.
That marked a change for Freeman. In 2013, she made up her mind to leave the military so she could pursue “a better relationship than I had with my own mom.”
From zoo visits to ice cream dates and walks home from school, Freeman recalled her early attempts to build that foundation with her then sevenyear-old daughter.
However, when an incident at school resulted in an extended hospital stay for her daughter, Freeman knew she needed additional resources to help bring them through this. She enrolled herself in a parenting class. It was there that Freeman was introduced to the five love languages outlined in Gary Chapman's book: “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.”
She learned the importance of utilizing all five languages while also realizing that her primary love language differed from her daughters. Where Freeman valued acts of service and quality time, her daughter valued physical touch.
One afternoon at the library Freeman sat her daughter down and said, “I don't know how to do this. My mom didn't teach me, so I'm asking you to forgive me and be patient with me as I go through this.”
I started using the five love languages when connecting with her and have continued to use them for my other kids as well as my significant other, Freeman said.
Drawing on her own experience of what worked and what didn't, Freeman wrote a book titled “Growing in Love Together — A Military Mother's 90-day Guide to a Greater Connection with Her Daughter.” In it, Freeman shares that it's not about spa days or how much you spend on them. Instead, the book discusses frugal ways to implement the languages.
“That whole time she had just wanted a hug from me, and that's cheap, that costs nothing,” Freeman said, recalling the activities she had initially thought were important.
In November 2022, Freeman took her book a step further and created in-person opportunities to explore and improve these relationships. Picking one love language at a time, she showed moms and daughters how to implement these languages more thoughtfully.
“Maybe you're doing some of these already when asking how her day is, but to sit down and do it intentionally, that's a lot different than doing it in the car on the way to school,” Freeman said.
Now that her daughter is 18, Freeman says when it comes to building a foundation for adulthood relationships, the earlier the better. With this in mind, she geared the workshops toward mothers and their elementary school daughters between the ages of 6 and 12.
So far her workshops have garnered anywhere between two to 10 participants. After seeing some uneven attendance month to month, Freeman hopes that participants return each month to better track their progress and continue learning. Especially since each month deals with a different topic.
The activity portion varies depending on the love language with previous months including playing board games for quality time, coming up with a secret handshake for physical touch and illustrated gratitude exercises for words of affirmation.
Freeman also emphasizes maintenance as a key part of each meeting and works to set up each family with a plan throughout the following month. Moms are also encouraged to email Freeman during the maintenance period with any updates or questions.
“If and when they come back we ask how their 30day action plan went, what were the roadblocks, and what they can try differently next time,” she said.
When she first started, Freeman said she wanted to do everything including virtual meetings. But as she started working with participants, she saw the impact of individual connection and realized that her top priority was to the people around her.
For meet-up dates and signups visit: www.eventbrite.com/o/growing-inlove-together-44092722533.