Hollywood spent 2012 proving the Mayans right
Who knew that in the ancient Mayan calendar, they would have predicted so much that pointed to the end of the world? Like the exact date that Lindsay Lohan’s horrendous Elizabeth Taylor biopic “Liz & Dick” would air on Lifetime? That Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj’s egos would collide during “American Idol” auditions? That Donald Trump would act even more bizarrely than he did in 2011? And that Brad Pitt was even making a Chanel ad?
Seeing all that in their crystal ball, it’s understandable that the Mayans would have predicted doomsday in 2012. Little did they know that these celeb antics just pointed to yet another year in La-La Land.
Here are just a smattering of the things that made us want to cover Blue Ivy’s young eyes in 2012:
That awkward moment when you realize Ann Curry wasn’t theproblem:
When the “Today” show ratings dipped after Curry took over for Meredith Vieira, the show’s top brass assumed Curry’s sometimes clumsy and stiff interviews made fans uncomfortable. So they shoved the 15-year show veteran during in an even more uncomfortable, five-minute segment at the end of one hour, and watched their ratings dip turn into a full-fledged dive. Curry might not be a perfectionist in interviews, but she’s apparently genius in making voodoo dolls.
At least she finally had a reason to look miserable: The good news: Kristen Stewart finally declared her love for Robert Pattinson. The bad news: She only did it after she was caught cheating with her married “Snow White” director, Rupert Sanders. In Stewart’s uncomfortable, public “I love him, I love him” mea culpa to Pattinson, she apologized for the hurt and embarrassment she caused. Movie fans are still waiting to hear the same for the entire “Twilight” saga.
Breakout performance of the year: Just when we were getting used to Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s marriage, she engineers a daring escape usually depicted in a Lifetime movie marathon. Holmes bolted from Cruise after five years of marriage that resulted in one child and two diminished careers. Cruise got the heels in the settlement.
Suddenly, the Kardashians look like the royl family: We didn’t think we’d find anyone who drank more Red Bull than Demi Moore, until we happened upon the sensation of the year — “Honey Boo Boo.” Seven-year-old aspiring beauty queen Alana Thompson and her family made us “redneck-ognize” the Mayans were wrong; the end of the world came way before 12-21-12.
Suddenly the royal family is looking like the Kardashains: If the royal jewels are really so valuable, why was Prince Harry showing them off so freely in Las Vegas? Harry gave a whole new meaning to “Las Vegas strip” when near-nude party pictures were revealed. Ironically Kate Middleton turned out to be the more naked royal when an invasive photog snapped private pictures of her and William on vacation. Now we know why the queen jumped out of that helicopter.
Reunited and it feels so creepy: In a perfect world, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” would have been a duet featuring Chris Brown and Rihanna. Instead, the former abuser and victim spent 2012 making a sexually suggestive duet together, followed by sexually suggestive tweets followed by sexually suggestive photos of the pair — all while Brown bounced back and forth with his girlfriend. Wait — are we sure they’re not just re-enacting the Stevie J.-Joseline-Mimi triangle from “Love & HipHop: Atlanta”?
Couple of the year: With the debut of Kimye — Kim Kardashian and Kanye West — we finally had a couple who based their union on a shared value system. Unfortunately, that includes homemade sex tapes, narcissism, TMI and leather skirt-wearing.
So Michael wasn’t the crazy one? Three years after Michael Jackson died, the Jacksons proved they are as dysfunctional as ever: Jackson’s children Prince and Paris took to Twitter to accuse Aunt Janet and other Jackson siblings of kidnapping their grandmother and caretaker, Katherine, after she went away without telling them. Turns out she was just trying to escape from Blanket’s icy glare.
Mother of the year: Nadya “Octomom” Suleman took to working the pole and self-love porn to raise money to support her brood of 14 — as if her kids needed more stories to share with their future therapist.
Playing the role of Lindsay Lohan is Amanda Bynes: As if one unstable former child star wasn’t enough, Bynes tried to double the fun this year with her Lohan-esque antics — which included arrests, plenty of erratic behavior and crashing into cars. At least Lindsay is a role model to someone.
Funny thing is, both Bynes and Lohan could see Obama: Clint Eastwood dragged down Mitt Romney’s doomed presidential campaign when he took center stage at the Republican National Convention and had a lengthy conversation with an “invisible” President Barack Obama, who apparently remained seated in his chair as Eastwood flung insults at him. But he got Eastwood back a short time later by making “Trouble With the Curve” invisible at the box office.
So that’s why they call Halle Berry a knockout: There was a new victim of Berry’s constant man drama — Gabriel Aubry’s gorgeous face. Berry’s fiance Olivier Martinez delivered a Pacquiao punch to Aubry’s chiseled visage on Thanksgiving when Aubry came by to drop off his daughter with Berry. To add insult to injury, Aubry was charged in the brawl, but at least he escaped serious punishment — having to watch “Cloud Atlas.”