John Gray: A sure thing — allergies and me
I’ll tell you a secret. Growing up I always wanted to be a jockey.
I’ll tell you a secret.
Growing up I always wanted to be a jockey. You know the kind that will be riding the horses at the Belmont Stakes this Saturday and in Saratoga this summer. And I would have been one, too, if not for my terrible allergy to horse dander. Every time I touch a horse with my bare hand and then went near my face; boom. The sneezing commences, my sides itch and my eyes puffff right up. Now, I know what you’re thinking smarty pants; allergies were not the only obstacle to me becoming a famous jockey. After all the guys riding the horses are fifive feet nothing and weigh little more than a honey-baked ham. True I’m larger than the average jockey. But with a few well-placed salads and some cardio, anything is possible. OK, maybe not.
I may never ride in the Travers but I will forever have allergies and horses are just part of my misery. Growing up I found myself sneezing after my father mowed the lawn or my neighbors lilac bush bloomed. Certain fresh flowers also set me off and I couldn’t go near a farm or haystack. I learned that last one the hard way one summer when my family went to visit family in a place called Richfield Springs. It’s a beautiful village west of here in Otsego County.
During our day on the farm, where I felt like a cast member in “Green Acres”, we chased chickens, chatted up cows and played a game of “hide and seek” in the barn. I hid in a huge pile of hay because that’s what I always saw people do in the movies. Although now that I think about it, in every movie where someone is hiding in the hay, someone else comes along with a pitchfork and starts poking around with it. But I digress. So in the hay I went. But it wasn’t hard to find me from the loud wheezing I produced when I struggled to breathe. I was a mess for a week after the hay incident.
I took over-the-counter allergy medicine in my teens but it always knocked me out; almost literally. Back then the only drugs available cleared your nose but made you sleepier than Dorothy and Toto in a poppy field. While I know the meds have gotten much better in the 30 years since I still can’t bring myself to take them. Maybe it’s something about men born in the ’60s, but we pride ourselves on not taking medicine when we’re sick even if it could help. Stupid I know. We also generally don’t go to the doctor unless we do have a pitchfork sticking out of our head and we can’t stop the bleeding.
Part of the reason I don’t take medicine is my own ignorance over what it is or does. Example, TV commercials teach us that if you suffer from allergies doctors recommend a good antihistamine. Here’s my question: What’s a histamine? Obviously whatever it is, we’re against it because the medicine has the word “anti” in front it. It’s this kind of illogical logic that steers my thinking.
Being anti-medicine, I’ve poked around the Internet looking for homemade allergy remedies. One website says you should irrigate your nose with saline solution. Sounds like I’m back on the farm in Richfield Springs. So, I skip to the next one on the list. Wash your hair because it may contain pollen you picked up outside. I do wash my hair once a day and I’m still sneezing so; next. No. 3 on the list sounds plausible — avoid air.
I’m pretty sure I need that to survive so I move to No. 4. Steam your face. I’ve actually tried this and it does work on clearing out your nose. Unfortunately mine clogs back up in five minutes. The last tip is to avoid leaving the house on bad pollen days. Again, not so useful for people who live in the real world. A friend told me to eat honey produced by local bees; it has something to do with the way they pollinate I’m guessing. Since I don’t know where to buy local honey, nor am I friends with any local bees, that leaves me climbing a tree and trying to procure some from an active hive. I seem to recall Winnie The Pooh trying that and it
ending badly. So for now I’ll continue sneezing and watch the big horse race Saturday with tissues in hand. Knowing in my heart that if not for that darn horse dander and the need to swap carrot sticks with potato chips that would be me riding to glory. Hey, give an old guy his
delusions. John Gray is a news anchor on WXXA-FoxTV23andABC’S WTEN News Channel 10. His column is published Wednesdays in The Saratogian. Email JohnGray@ news10.com.