What’s this about questions?

Most of us give little thought to the role that questions play in our lives. Have you ever noticed that questions and thoughts arise in the mind, and you never asked for them? (Wow ... there’s a question already!)

In our minds, questions arise hundreds of times a day and typically, our brains go on a mission to answer the question. It happens that way for a few billion people, and almost every single one of them believes that the questions are valid and worth paying attention to. Why is this important?

Each question captures and directs attention and energy.

Our minds seem to be incessantly creating questions to be answered. We engage in this inner dialogue, answering the inner questions and following the train of thought. Our energy and attention is controlled by the question! We are constantly asking our kids questions, with little thought to how it teaches them where to focus their energy. What if every question you ask your child is like a seed that you plant, just waiting for the chance to grow. Is the seed going to produce beauty and strength, or will it produce lousy feelings and low selfesteem?

You become what you think about most!

William James (Grandfather of Psychology) offered this conclusion over one hundred years ago, and considerable data supports it. So, if it’s true that “we become what we think about most,” shouldn’t we be giving careful attention to what thoughts we allow into our life?

What determines what we often think about? Is that another question?

Could it be that questions direct many of our internal thoughts? Are we really influenced by the questions we ask ourselves? Do we ask questions to ourselves that often? Could it be that our children learn which questions to ask themselves, based upon the questions they hear from us? Do we really ask that many questions?

Could it be that questions are one of the most powerful tools that shape the direction and quality of our children’s thinking? What if questions could be used in a very directed and thoughtful manner to form your child’s beliefs? Could you influence how and what they think about?

Interesting: lots of questions. Don’t you think?

Your brain is a gigantic Google search engine: Ask & it will answer.

This metaphor is just one way to begin to think about this. Whenever we ask a question, it’s like our brains go on a search. They begin to seek answers, in the form of thoughts. This ‘search engine’ also finds other questions, which then leads to more thoughts, and other questions.

At times, our brains come up with “lousy” questions. This can be based upon our worst history and experiences. These lousy questions lead to limiting, unhealthy thoughts and more questions, which lead to more unhealthy thoughts and ultimately to negative emotions and beliefs about ourselves.

In the world of psychology, therapists have often marveled at the truly gifted therapists who have revolutionized the art of psychotherapy. Most of these individuals did this through the power of the unique questions that they asked their clients. But, let’s get down to the practical world.

The debilitating power of negatively biased questions.

I invite you to step into Zach’s world. For just a moment, I’d like for you to imagine that you are seven years old again. The world is still a fascinating place, your curiosity is endless, and the energy you feel simply makes you want to move rather than sit quietly in a seat.

As you find yourself in this innocent world, notice where your brain goes, as you begin to listen, and try to answer these questions.

“I asked you to sit still. Why can’t you just sit still like your sister? Why do you have to keep bugging her like that? How many times do we must talk about this? What’s your problem Zach? Are you trying to make me frustrated? Do you just want to see me get angry? Why do you keep doing this Zach? Why don’t you get with the program? Why don’t you listen to me?”

So now Zach’s little brain goes to work. He goes in search of the answers to these questions. What possible answers could Zach come up with that could serve him in some way?

You don’t need me to give you the answers to this. You simply need to step into that world on your own, and notice what your brain does with those questions, as you try to answer them. Try it on, and see where you Google brain takes you as you try to answer those questions.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.