Fade to Gray: Talk to your kids about Daniel
There once was a little boy who loved the world but the world didn’t always love him back. For the sake of privacy I can’t tell you his real name but let’s call him Daniel. Daniel is the oldest of three children born to an ordinary family in an ordinary town. He likes Legos and chicken nuggets and all the things little boys his age like. He also likes making friends but that has been the hard part. You see Daniel is on the autism spectrum and sometimes behaves a little bit differently than the other children. He misses some of the social cues so he may run up and hug you unexpectedly when he thinks you need a hug. He may talk out of turn, rather than wait patiently, because in Daniel’s mind when he wants to tell you something important he just tells you.
These differences are not lost on his parents and they have been very proactive in getting Daniel extra help to work on the challenges he faces. Where most kids fight their parents on doing extra work Daniel is a good little boy who willingly goes and tries. It’s not always easy or successful as anyone with a special needs child knows but Daniel never stops smiling or trying his best.
After some rough patches at schools far away from here Daniel is now a resident of our beautiful Capital Region and that means he started a brand new school last fall. His teachers and counselors were made aware of his special challenges and I know they try their best to help when they can but the class is big and every child demands attention. Because Daniel’s parents want him to grow up and live as “normal” a life as possible, whatever that looks like these days, he is mixed in with all the other kids. And sometimes the kids are mean.
The other day Daniel got off the bus and his mom could tell from the expression on his face that something was wrong. Daniel didn’t want to talk about it but every mom knows how to pry those secrets loose and eventually he uttered six words that would break any parent’s heart, “they won’t be friends with me.” Daniel was taught it’s not good to stay inside a shell or isolated from the group so you should approach other children and talk to them and try to get them to play. Sadly some of the other kids weren’t taught what kindness is or to accept a child who may be a little different so they told Daniel he wasn’t welcome to play with them. When he asked why? They told him he “talked different” or “acted different.”
This happened right at school; where the teachers were I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t indict them over these children turning Daniel away; I know they can’t govern every conversation in a seven hour school day. So why am I sharing this true story with you today? I guess to make an appeal to parents out there, especially the ones with the happy, healthy kids who don’t need special help or therapy. Talk to your children about Daniel. I know I haven’t told you how old he is or what grade or school he’s in and that’s by design. You see I know (and you do too) that there is a Daniel at every school in our area. A child who has already been dealt some tough cards in live and doesn’t need other kids making things worse or harder.
Talk to your child about seeking out the Daniel in their class and not letting them sit alone at lunch. Talk to your teacher about the Daniel in your child’s classroom and urge the teacher to match your child with him or her on projects. And to the teachers who may be reading this please, please, please keep an eye out for this kind of bullying. When a child knows they are different it takes a lot of courage to dress in the morning and march off to school knowing today may be yet another day where they mock you to your face. Daniel refuses to give up. Help Daniel please.
It’s funny; I’m only writing this column today because my wife told me about Daniel and urged me to talk about the problem of bullying. Driving around this morning I was thinking about Daniel and my mind went to that old Elton John song of the same name. In there is the line, “Daniel my brother, you were older than me, do you still feel the pain of the scars that won’t heal?” Bullying does damage sticks and stones couldn’t begin to do and the scars don’t always heal.
The world is a cold hard place and we can’t fix it all. Still we can look around us for the Daniels’ in our lives and neighborhoods and schools and stop the bullying. Daniel didn’t ask to be special but he is. He deserves extra love not less.