This thinking stuff always messes me up

Your brain really doesn’t care about what you feel. It just has a job to do. If there is a puncture on the skin, the brain signals pain. If a thought shows up, the brain responds to that that. If it happens to be a thought that produces happiness, so be it. If it happens to be a thought that creates sadness, so be it. The brain just does it’s job.

At the same time however, your body/feelings are the victim (and so are you) to the thoughts that repeatedly and consistently show up. There is this very consistent ‘train of thoughts’ that show up in your brain in a habitual manner. Research suggests that it is likely that 95% of the roughly 12,000 thoughts we have today will be the same as those we had yesterday. Some days vary, but most days are like this.

The habitual train of thoughts

Imagine this: We wake up each day and the thought train begins. We don’t choose it, but it starts rolling. Imagine each car on the train carries thought, and each thought is a variation of the one before it. At the end of the train, is the caboose where all the emotions are felt. Sometime the caboose carries a lovely feeling, and other times a very painful or unwanted feeling. Sometimes the caboose is mildly pleasant, or unpleasant. Sometimes it brings anxiety. Sometimes it brings it fear. Sometimes it brings anger. Sometimes it brings ecstasy. Sometimes it brings joy. Sometimes it brings love.

But each train of thought inevitably comes with a consequence, which is the feelings carried by the caboose at the end. Feelings show up on the caboose. Yet, it’s the train of thoughts that produce that feeling.

So here’s the rub! We really can’t control the feelings that show up at the end of the train. We just can’t control that. Whatever we feel… we feel.

What most of us don’t understand is that we can influence the train of thoughts that produce those feelings. It’s like saying, we can’t control the effects of poison, if you drink it. But you can control whether or not you drink the poison (i.e., think the thoughts that show up.)

Ahhhhh the secret is beginning to immerge! You can begin to get a sense of why it is so difficult to change what you feel, if you are always dealing with the consequence of your thoughts. After all, how can you drive where the train is going, when you are always living in the caboose? You can’t! You are just a victim of where your thoughts have taken you.

There are times, when we move into more saddened and depressed thoughts, where our thoughts spin out of control. We are constantly living in a state of despair, anxiety, sadness and depression…because we just keep focused on the caboose.

It’s time to wake up! It’s time to wake up to where your power is to control the quality of your life! Notice when you live in the caboose, it’s like you don’t even know where the train is going. You are living back there…as a victim to all the feelings you have, and wondering where you are going next. It can feel as if you have no control over your life.

And you don’t!…If you live in the caboose. You gotta get to the front of the train!

If you want to feel more in control of your reactions with your kids?

Do you want to feel more appreciative for the life that is pretty darn good?

Would you like to get out of this burden of sadness and despair that you model for your kids? Are you tired of antidepressants, and want to feel more alive in your life? Then get to the front of the train!

You don’t control the thoughts that show up. You can control whether you get on the TRAIN OF THOUGHTS that show up.

Let me repeat that. You don’t control which thoughts show up. It just seems like they show up. You don’t want them. They don’t make you feel good. Some of them you have thought over and over thousands of times, and they just keep showing up.

Others are more seductive. They entice you into them. It’s as if you could answer that questions that you looked at hundreds of times, if you could just look at it one more time.

Or perhaps it’s a thought that initially makes you think you are right, or that you have been wronged in some way. You start off by feeling self-righteous, or justified in your anger. Yet the more you engage and jump on that train of thought, the more you find yourself in the tail end of that train, living as a victim of anger…living as a victim of sadness..living as a victim of fear.

You can’t control which thoughts show up. You can control whether or not you are interested in the thought, and whether you jump on the train. Here is where the magic really comes in.

Become disinterested in the TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

Become unconcerned about the TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

Be aware of how seductive some thoughts are, and step away from them before the train starts to pull away from the station.

You all know what I mean by this. The thought shows up. You jump on the train, you think about it for a few minutes, or an hour, or sometimes several hours. At the end of that train, always comes the pain.

Just get on the train..and you live in the pain! That’s the way it’s going to be…until you take responsibility to step away from the TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

In order to do this, you must become more AWARE.

You must become more aware of what thoughts entice you into them.

You must become aware of what thoughts hook your brain, and get you off on a train of thought that only lead to pain, or anger, or sadness, or despair. Those trains will never serve you. They will only hurt you. Get on the train..and you deal with the pain.

The more you become aware of the thoughts that start to entice you, and you step away from them, the more you get control over your emotional life.

Instead of engaging the thought, engage in your life at that moment.

Instead of thinking those thoughts, be present in what you are doing. Become more aware of what is actually going on in your life, and become more engaged in it. Notice more, notice more color, notice more sound, notice more love, notice more life. Notice more emotion. Become more curious. Become more engaged with your children. Become more engaged in the relationships that matter.

And the thoughts…the TRAIN OF THOUGHTS will keep showing up. They have a momentum…a kind of life of their own. After you have been engaged in thoughts for years or months at a time, they develop a kind of life of their own. You can ignore a thought and walk away from it…and it will show up five minutes or a half hour later. Walk away again!

Keep doing this! Keep walking away from the thoughts and engage in your life. Do that for three to four days, or up to a week, you’ll notice that your mind begins to clear itself.

The thoughts no longer own you. The TRAIN OF THOUGHTS show up less and less often, and you are less a victim living in the caboose..living in the emotions that result from getting on those TRAINS OF THOUGHT.

This is the path to emotional freedom. It’s the path to be free to model what you want for your kids. It’s the path to model what you want to be for yourself. It’s the path to taking back ownership of your emotional life.

There are more layers to this discussion and more depth to this process than it appears.

If you decide to take on this challenge, do so with a great sense of compassion and acceptance of the human struggle. This will not necessarily be easy.

But it can be the most liberating experience you have had! It can free you from patterns that have been with you for years.

In the world of terrific parenting, learning to walk away from a TRAIN OF THOUGHT gives you the freedom to walk away from the children’s tantrums. It gives you the freedom to walk away from their ugly moments. It gives you the freedom to walk away from the thoughts that tell you that they shouldn’t be treating you that way…when they are treating you that way.

It gives you the ability to invest your energy and attention in what you value… and to keep walking away from the weeds of failure that have sucked you in in the past.

For those of you who have been reading my materials for years, and are familiar with the power of these approaches, you understand the essential nature of being able to disengage emotionally from behavior that has hooked you and pulled you into it.

Behaviors such as whining, complaining, helplessness, dependence, tantrums, and disrespect, often claim ownership over your peace and joy. They only do so … because of the thoughts that you have about those moments.

Just experiment by walking away from those thoughts. Walk away from the TRAIN OF THOUGHTS in your mind…and notice what you feel a week from now.

Get clear about where you live emotionally, and the train of thoughts that keep taking you there. You cannot directly affect the emotions that result from getting on a train of toxic, poisonous thought. You get on that train, and the poison of negativity is an inescapable consequence. You get off the TRAIN OF THOUGHT, and you can begin to free yourself now.

For more information on how to free yourself, I encourage you to immerse yourself in healthy information, such as the materials obtained on the terrific parenting website.

If this is a significant struggle for you, consider checking out the portion of the website about personal peace and harmony, and keeping your cool. Those products can bring you a sense of freedom and personal comfort which then allow you to lead your children to a better place and a healthier home.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www. TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.