ADVICE Help a guy out here
DEAR ANNIE >> Iam 57 years old. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, and we don’t have kids. My wife always had nieces and nephews to occupy her time and now spends time with their children. I was self-employed and recently got a lucrative hourly position that takes a lot of my time, even more with forced overtime and travel back and forth.
I have always been swamped with projects, both mandatory house maintenance and updating and forward-looking projects on my properties and a hobby car. Lately, I have been reflecting on my life and where I’m at. I cannot find a single instance of a project in which my wife did anything to benefit the house. I can understand not helping on my other properties, but the house where we both live? Yes, she takes care of the laundry, cooks dinner and mows the lawn, albeit with a push mower that takes her five times as long as the riding mower would.
I have done remodeling and left the debris lying out just to see how long she would step over it before sweeping up. In one case, it lay there for a couple of months. It was her little niece who finally noticed it and immediately grabbed a broom. There’s a door to our house that’s had tape around the glass for four years. She’s been saying for four years she is about to start sanding, staining and varnishing it.
Do I bring this partner along with me into retirement to enjoy the fruits of my labor? Currently, while I am swamped beyond belief with work, she is literally at the park flying a kite with her niece.
Yes, I’ve snapped at her before. I’ve told her that a sandwich at noon, at least, would be nice. — Overwhelmed in
Michigan
DEAR OVERWHELMED >> You’ve snapped, but have you tried speaking? It’s possible that your wife has no idea how profoundly this is bothering you; she may even think you like doing home improvement projects. The only way to know is to talk about it. I get the impression that you see your home as an extension of your relationship. Explain that to her, and tell her how when she neglects projects and doesn’t pitch in, it feels as if she just doesn’t care. Give her the chance to step up and show that she cares.
Keep in mind that you can develop a peculiar type of farsightedness after living with someone for a long time. You have 20/20 vision when seeing that person’s flaws but blindness when it comes to your own. So have some more compassion, and recognize the things your wife does do for the house. Step away from the tally board while you try really working this out.
DEAR ANNIE >> Just the other day, my son, “Ben,” was talking to his stepdad, and he said some hurtful things about me — that I’m all about me, that it’s always my way or the highway. I took that very personally. It made me cry. I never expected my eldest son to say something or feel that way about me. I took it as him trying to hurt my feelings. He needs to understand that with the kids all out of the house now, I do often feel that it is all about me. The house is empty; my two elder kids don’t even call me to see whether I’m OK or sick, and I think that if I ever become sick, I will keep it to myself and not inform them. Am I wrong for that?
Now I don’t feel comfortable even asking to see my grandchildren, because I fear it’s been embedded in their minds that Grandma is all about her and no one else.
I posted about this situation on Facebook to see how everyone would respond and what advice people might offer. A co-worker came to me and comforted me about the situation. All I could do was cry. I never knew my kids felt that way about their mom. Please give me some advice.
— Devastated Mom
DEAR DEVASTATED MOM >> Slow down and take a deep breath. This is a whirlwind, but it seems that at the center of it all is your feeling of abandonment. I reckon that’s caused you to lash out in ways you might not recognize as lashing out — with guilt trips, for instance. If you’ve been trying to get your kids to pay attention to you by making them feel bad, that has backfired. It’s time to stop catastrophizing and start communicating. Talk to your children. Tell them you didn’t realize how negatively they felt about your behavior. Ask what you could do to be a bigger part of their lives. And for everyone’s sake, please stop posting about it on Facebook.