Stop asking stupid questions
I ran into a friend the other day I hadn’t seen in a while and we sat for a quick cup of coffee. We exchanged the usual pleasantries and caught up with each other and then I noticed a sadness fall over her. The silence told me, quite loudly, that something was off about her, so I asked a simple, “What’s wrong?”
She looked away embarrassed, not wanting to share what she assumed the rest of the world would think was a trivial thing. I pressed on saying, “I know you and I can tell something is bothering you, please, you can tell me.”
She then looked off at the shoppers passing by and said, “It’s nothing really, I don’t know why I let people bother me this way but…” I waited, not saying a word until she finished that thought.
She continued, “It’s just, you know I don’t have kids. Early on, years ago, it wasn’t what I wanted and then the way my life has gone, now that I’m a bit older and with someone who makes me happy, I’m just not in a place in my life where I want to have them. Is that bad?”
I looked at her and said, “Of course not, we all have our own path to choose and no path is better or worse than another.” But I could tell that wasn’t what was bothering her. She then offered the truth of it all saying, “Three times in the past two days I have had people ask me why I don’t have kids? The last time was a woman at a salon I just left before I came to meet you.”
I listened as she continued, “This woman in her twenties was like, you don’t have kids? Wow, why not, don’t you want them? What’s your husband do for a living? Doesn’t he want them?”
The truth is my friend doesn’t want her own children and even if she snapped her finger tomorrow and changed her mind, there’s no guarantee she’d get pregnant. It’s not an automatic thing as so many women know. What bothered her and was now annoying me, was the gall of some people to ask that question of women; period.
If a woman doesn’t have children that is her business and you shouldn’t be asking about it. You have no clue if she’s been trying for years and can’t get pregnant. You have no clue if she’s gotten pregnant several times and had a miscarriage every single time. The arrogance and rudeness of the question offends me and I’m not even the woman on the receiving end of it.
Making a sad face at a woman and saying in a sympathetic voice, “You didn’t want any kids?” is cringe-worthy. Stop it please. Mind your own business and don’t presume to know why or why not someone has a child.
Right now, as I write this, there are waiting rooms filled with women awaiting procedures to hopefully get pregnant. They are intrusive and expensive medical procedures and there are no guarantees. Think about running into a married couple that has been trying for years and having no luck and saying, “You two better get busy if you’re going to pop out a couple of kids.” Argg. Jesus, just stop and shut your stupid mouth.
These aren’t the only rude things people will ask others when they should keep their mouths shut. Running into a parent with a child in their twenties or thirties and asking, “Did he ever get back into school and get that degree?” What if the answer is no. What if college isn’t for everyone and the “child” is happy and doing fine in a career that doesn’t require a college diploma. Your condescension is duly noted when you ask that question because we know in the next breath you are going to start talking about your own child with the doctorate in economics who is ruling the world. Just say, “How is Tommy doing? Please tell him I said hello.” See, it’s not that hard.
Running into a woman you haven’t seen in a while who is carrying a little extra weight and asking when the baby is due is also a moronic endeavor. Unless you are 100% certain she’s pregnant, zip it.
Running into an old friend at the gym and saying things like, “Trying to get back to it huh?” is a veiled way of saying to that person, “All of us noticed you look like the stay-puft marshmallow man (or woman) so good for you trying to get all that weight off.”
Again, waive hello and for the love of God just shut up.
I don’t know why people feel the need to fill the silence with every idiotic thing that pops in their head. As your mother used to tell you when you were going off to kindergarten, if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all. And when in doubt, be quiet.
So, to all the people asking women why they don’t have kids? Silence is golden. You should try it sometime.