In­fi­delity in the in­box

The Saratogian (Saratoga, NY) - - YOUR DAILY BREAK -

DEAR AN­NIE >> My hus­band and I have been mar­ried for more than 50 years. We have had a great life to­gether, shar­ing a lot of the same in­ter­ests.

We had a great friend­ship with an­other cou­ple. Sev­eral years ago, the hus­band caught my hus­band and his wife sex­ting each other. I do be­lieve it was a one-time thing, as she was drink­ing and the cir­cum­stances pointed to be­ing a one-night thing. I wanted to for­give and for­get, as she was a re­ally great friend. How­ever, her hus­band in­sisted that we have no fur­ther con­tact with each other.

We have an­other friend who is a sin­gle mom with two grown chil­dren. They live a cou­ple of hun­dred miles from us. For some rea­son, she started tex­ting my hus­band about is­sues she has had with her chil­dren. Over the years, they have con­tin­ued to text each other, but it is get­ting more and more fre­quent. One time I looked at his text mes­sages, and she was send­ing him pic­tures of her­self. She is beau­ti­ful and younger. I told him that I was not com­fort­able with all the tex­ting and the pic­tures she sends. Since then, I have found them tex­ting a lot more. I con­fronted her, and she said that my hus­band is her best friend and a big sup­port sys­tem to her. She has a lot of is­sues with her grown chil­dren. I told my hus­band that I did not have an is­sue with their friend­ship, but my is­sue is his keep­ing it from me.

I asked that he tell me about her tex­ting, and what’s go­ing on. He agreed. But noth­ing has changed. I knew they were still tex­ting, and he wasn’t say­ing any­thing to me, so I tried to check his mes­sages from his com­puter, but he changed the pass­word. When I asked him what his new pass­word was, he gave me a num­ber, but when I have tried it, it doesn’t work. So I have gone be­hind his back and checked his mes­sages on his phone and have found that they pretty much text daily. He has not said a word to me about it. And I have no­ticed at times that he deletes her mes­sages but not any­one else’s, so I am feel­ing he is try­ing to hide them from me. I have yet to con­front him with this. Am I be­ing stupid about this or should I be con­cerned? His ly­ing is what both­ers me about this whole sit­u­a­tion.

— Dis­grun­tled Wife

DEAR DIS­GRUN­TLED WIFE >> The first time you caught your hus­band sex­ting an­other woman should have called for some se­ri­ous re­la­tion­ship re­pairs. Not just sweep­ing it un­der the rug as a one-time thing. That be­hav­ior is un­ac­cept­able, and if you’re go­ing to stay mar­ried to him, then some se­ri­ous coun­sel­ing should be done.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Your hus­band is ly­ing to you and keep­ing se­crets about his cor­re­spon­dence with an­other woman. Kindly tell this woman that she needs to find a pro­fes­sional ther­a­pist to help her with her grown chil­dren prob­lems, and she needs to stay away from your hus­band.

Your hus­band has lied to you many times, and his be­hav­ior points to him know­ing bet­ter. Oth­er­wise, he wouldn’t feel the need to delete these mes­sages. It is not un­rea­son­able for you to ask him for hon­esty and open­ness in his com­mu­ni­ca­tion. It is time to go into mar­riage coun­sel­ing and have your hus­band come clean. You sound like too kind of a woman to be lied to and taken for granted. It is time to stick up for your­self and tell him no more, once and for all.

“Ask Me Any­thing: A Year of Ad­vice From Dear An­nie” is out now! An­nie Lane’s de­but book — fea­tur­ing fa­vorite col­umns on love, friend­ship, fam­ily and eti­quette — is avail­able as a pa­per­back and e-book. Visit http:// www.cre­ator­spub­lish­ing. com for more in­for­ma­tion. Send your ques­tions for An­nie Lane to dear­an­[email protected]­ators.com.

An­nie Lane Dear An­nie

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