Parents: Help for the child with ADD/ADHD

Many parents (and adults) struggle with all that comes with ADD or ADHD. Many have tried counseling and found little help, as most children are not motivated to change. And trust me; change takes effort!

In part 2 of this series on ADD, let’s abandon the diagnosis for a few moments and the entire story that comes with it. Instead, let’s focus on your daily actions and what you can do in response to each moment to help shape and mold better behavior. To make a difference, you must focus on what you can control.

You can’t control children easily, but you can control what they care about. Mastering the application of this understanding will give you influence where others do not.

FIVE KEYS FOR PARENTING THE CHALLENGING CHILD WITH ADD/ADHD

1 — Don’t take their words or actions personally. It’s not about you.

If you take misbehavior or ugly moments personally, you will get caught up in “reactive parenting,” which only worsens things. If you have ever reacted with threats, yelling, or spanking, you have noticed how your child feeds on that energy.

When you aren’t reactive, you can now follow a game plan. You can be mindful. You can be creative. You can be effective. You can even be a terrific parent who uses challenging moments to teach a critical lesson. This, of course, is only the beginning. Next …

2 — Make a list of “Weeds” and “Seeds.”

What do I mean? Weeds are the actions, behaviors, and emotions you would rather not have in your home. Please list those, and notice how often they get your attention and energy.

Seeds are the actions and behaviors you value. Write down (be specific) the things you want to nurture and grow.

Now, please understand this: The brain cares not whether you like weeds or seeds. Your child’s brain will continue to produce weeds as long as the weeds are functional in some way.

However, their brain will gravitate strongly toward whatever gets the most attention and energy from the world. Their behavior (weeds or seeds) expands based on the amount of attention it gets. Many classic attentional problems associated with ADD tend to PULL you into them.

You then give those “Weeds” lots of energy; thus, they multiply. What makes this worse is that the concept of redirection is often like an addictive drug to a child with attentional problems. Why? Because they can quickly wander off task, and the repeated ‘redirection’ is constantly feeding the weed of inattention. For the average child, a bit of redirection is not a big deal. For the distractible child, this is toxic because the brain gets excessive amounts of energy for being off-task. This is optimal for feeding weeds… NOT what we want.

When consumed with battling the weeds, there is little opportunity to give attention to the seeds of effort, focus, and growth. If you want things to get better, you must turn this dynamic around first. The success of every other strategy and approach will depend upon how this fundamental is handled. So, the next step…

3 — Commit to starve the unwanted “Weeds.”

Make sure you walk away from all the weed-like behaviors in your home. If it’s not threatening health or safety, walk away and starve that weed.

Keep in mind that things will get worse for a while because the weed is used to getting fed, and it will be screaming to pull you in. DON’T DO IT! When your son tantrums, walk away and stay away. You must resist getting pulled in, and instead…

4 — Patience now: Wait for the Positive Stuff (i.e., seeds)

The weeds will fade away. It may be ugly and slow, but it will fade! Now, become a hunter, seeking ‘moments’ that you value and want to see more of at home. These ‘seeds’ must be noticed and given a bit of energy if we want them to grow. Do not flood the seed with all sorts of praise and accolades. Smile, nod, or perhaps give a thumbs up. Be subtle, as seeds only need a tad of energy. But they require that energy to grow, particularly for the ADD brain.

Over time, we can predict the quality of your relationship with your son or daughter and their success in school based on how this pattern unfolds. Abandon feeding the weeds and wait to feed those seeds! Remember: your energy is like water to that weed. If you keep feeding it, it keeps growing. Finally, …

5 — It’s Action, not words, that will teach limits.

Up to this point, you may think I’m a softie regarding consequences. I am not. Consequences teach the natural limits, not the threat of a consequence. And consequences require parental action, not parental words.

Consequences are critical in the learning process. Use them to teach limits, and make sure you don’t use feeble threats. Make your action speak the dominant message. When your child’s actions pose a threat or are out of control, teach with a firm consequence, not a lecture, not a frustrated look or a threat.

Use action to teach these limits, especially for your child with ADHD. She will thrive on these learning opportunities. Remember: it’s the experience that teaches here, not the threat of an experience.

Having explained these points, it is equally important to learn about leverage when working with ADD/ADHD. Next week’s article will carefully explore leverage and discuss how new technology can bring changes never considered possible until now.

You can learn more about how the combination of leverage, therapy, and technology brings about change at CapitalDistrictNeurofeedback.com.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com