How to guarantee your efforts fail
In my work with parents and individual adult coaching clients, I find most arrive at my office after trying various approaches to getting results.
They may have read or researched several methods for personal change. Others have mastered five different theories on how to get better results at home with their kids. Many will quote books I have never read or heard of.
Yet, despite these repeated efforts and a sincere desire to improve their situation, nothing seems to work.
3 Reasons for failuredespite sincere efforts to change.
1 — Consistency of Effort: The hare vs the turtle.
We all grew up reading the classic story of the hare vs the turtle. In that moral lesson, the speedy hare spasmodically moved about in a race with the turtle. His agility and speed were no match for the turtle. Yet, the turtle plodded along and won the race as the hare slept.
While perhaps the message that ‘slow is better than fast’ is not quite right, the core idea here is that consistency of effort is critical. For those who are often working to change, many approach change with a hurried, somewhat intermittent approach, wanting the results yesterday.
There is often a lack of simple, consistent dayto-day effort. This is the old-fashioned, somewhat gritty method of deeply testing a process or commitment to see if it works. If we do something consistently for 30 days, we will know if it is working.
Take away: “What I do daily matters infinitely more than what I occasionally do.’
2 — Words get ahead of action: Too much talk.
When someone arrives at my office, having tried many approaches to getting results, they typically demonstrate excellent knowledge and are usually prolific at describing their failures. However, I frequently find that they enjoy discussing change much more than actually changing. Change is real work With kids, they keep talking when they should be taking action. With a spouse, they keep talking when they should be listening. With their habits, they keep talking to themselves rather than simply getting up and going to the gym.
Suppose there is repeated talk, insatiable interest in more insight, and endless therapy visits to discuss change. In that case, this mental dialogue becomes a substitute for action—and, consequently, inevitable failure.
Take away: If you’re not doing ‘it’…then stop talking about it. You will feel better than setting yourself up for repeated false hope.
Take away Option Two: As Nike says, Just Do it.
3 — Always having an excuse: “I am not responsible.’
One common characteristic that I also see comes in the sometimes subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, skirting of responsibility. Whether it’s showing up on time, failing to get to the gym, overreacting emotionally, or even simply abandoning a game plan, those who struggle often have many refined and well-practice excuses. There is always a reason ‘why’ they didn’t honor their commitments.
Unless I realize that ‘I am responsible,’ I have no path to personal change and development. I can’t blame others, the situation, or my children. My choices are my responsibility — end of story.
Having said that, many of us do not have the tools to bring about change. We don’t know how to change our thoughts and habits or improve a child’s negative patterns.
Yet once we realize that we are responsible, we will find a way. We will seek out a solution. We will find a path to a better life. And in my experience, we realize that most of this involves ME doing something different and not just talking about doing something different.
Takeaway: Real change and tangible improvements are available only when I realize I am responsible.
If you see any of these in your life, please know that success is readily available with a simple shift. In a nutshell, life will bend to your consistent, forward-focused action. Remember that challenges will appear, and these can be met with the understanding that ‘I am responsible’ for getting around this hurdle, regardless.
Learn to enjoy setting your intentions on change, believing that you can do it, and taking consistent action in the direction of your desire. Just don’t measure your success on whether you are moving significantly in the direction of change; instead, measure your success on doing your best today, taking the best action you can today, and allowing the sense of forward-focused movement to be enough for today.
At Capital District Neurofeedback, we help children and adults make substantial progress toward a better life. We combine a forward-focused therapeutic model with brain-based technology that helps transform old habits.
Learn more at CapitalDistrictNeurofeedback.com.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian and The Record. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail. com