Late laughs
Conan
Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It’s the first time Trump has ever said the words, “Rodrigo, please come to America.”
President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. Trump said: “He’s my kind of guy — he’s crazy, he’s overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut.”
In another interview, President Trump said he thinks the Civil War could have been prevented. After hearing this, John McCain said: “Trust me, I did everything I could!”
It was announced today that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn’t on television were the scariest of his life.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
President Trump just gave an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said: “That’s easy! Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight!”
Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he’ll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next weekend.
Trump defended all the trips he’s made to his golf courses, saying he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters “for the wings” were like, “Yeah, right.”
Trump’s keeping busy. In fact, I read that he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks “Thailand” is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a “big burden” on his family. “Yes, but somehow we manage,” said Melania from her penthouse in New York.
In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War.
President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate, the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he’s held back.
Southwest Airlines has announced that it will no longer overbook its flights. While United says it will now match up flight attendants and passengers by weight class to make for fairer fights.
Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che
The [new health-care] bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs up from the Grim Reaper.
Trump will take his first international trip as president this month, visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose these three countries after Steve Bannon told him a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a Priest, and Trump was like, “I gotta meet these guys!”
A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week, raining down raw sewage on commuters — an event Penn Station commuters are calling “an improvement.”