Banquet birds

I have been fortunate enough in my years to be invited to many banquets all across the United States. The banquets have ranged from exceptionally boring to overwhelmingly entertaining. What I have noticed is, regardless of the region of the country, there seem to be certain types that are present at each one of the banquets. They say birds of a feather flock together but there seem to be certain species of birds that attend each and every banquet.

We will start with the social hummingbird. This is the person who flutters from table to table speaking with everyone. They know everybody and even if they do not, they can strike up a conversation with a stranger and in a few minutes become lifelong friends. These folks buzz around and interact with the entire crowd. Some of these hummingbirds have trouble flying away even after the ceremony has begun. I am sure you have seen them squatting down to continue their intense conversation well into the first speech. Eventually, they will find their way back to their own table but at any intermission, they are back up traveling from table to table pollinating the room with their good cheer.

Next, we come to the lovebird. These folks are so in love with their partner that they cannot keep their hands off them. They are stroking their partner’s hair or holding their hand all throughout the event. Sometimes they will even express their love by grooming their mate, picking lint and other debris off them. I have even seen the lovebird massage their mates’ shoulders while the speeches are happening. At times, these birds will reach over and peck their significant other on the cheek or lips. Love is truly in the air for these birds.

Now we arrive at the honking goose. The goose can be loud and boisterous and certainly garners its share of attention. The goose is the loudest and longest laughter in the room. You can hear the goose’s laugh above everyone else when the speaker tells a joke and for good measure, the goose will continue his laugh two to three seconds longer than anyone else will. Another characteristic of the honking goose is that at some point during the evening they will blow their nose very long and very loudly. Often times they will blow their nose into their dinner napkin and put it back on the table. The honking goose ensures that their table gains attention from the speaker and the audience.

Finally, we arrive at the looky loon. These are probably the most annoying of the banquet birds. The constant head movement characterizes the loon. The loon is always scanning the room, observing the other birds. Their eyes dart around from table to table. You know they are not paying close attention to the speeches because they are too busy observing their banquet buddies. These birds consider themselves more observant than the other species but what they really are is nosy. In some cases, these horrible birds will exhibit the worst behavior of all banquet birds. They will express their overblown and idiotic observations about the other birds in a newspaper column. The column writing looky loon deserves no attention. It should be relegated to interact with only one other type of bird and that would be the flipped bird.