“MOTHER’S DAY”
Over the last 20-plus years and some 4,000 screenings, I have tried to hold sacred perhaps THE cardinal rule of the moviegoing experience, and that of course is: NO TALKING.
Maybe once every five or six screenings I’ll make a quiet observation to a fellow critic seated next to me, or I’ll ask a question of a colleague. But even on those occasions, I keep it quick and quiet.
“Mother’s Day” broke me down. I couldn’t help myself. On at least a half-dozen occasions, I was so dumbfounded by what was transpiring onscreen I blurted out an immediate reaction -and at least twice, I smacked the guy next to me on the shoulder.
A paraphrased recap of some of the comments I muttered under my breath (or at least I hope it was under my breath and not a full-out cry for help):
— I’m pretty sure not a single character in this Atlanta-set movie speaks with a Southern accent. Tax break, anyone?
— The owner of a bar called Shorty’s is a little person? Really?
— You’re giving us the old “character delivers a monologue with her back turned, not realizing her intended audience has exited the room” bit? Come on!
— By all means, after an adult Caucasian is injured while performing a karaoke version of “The Humpty Dance,” cut to the sassy black woman saying, “That’s what happens when white people try to rap,” and top it off with a shot of a black child dancing with impeccable rhythm.
This movie never should have seen the light of day or the dark of theater.
“Mother’s Day” is Garry Marshall’s third star-studded, mawkish, bloated, holiday-themed film with intertwining characters and story lines. First there was the mediocre “Valentine’s Day” (2010). Then we were subjected to the sappy but relatively harmless “New Year’s Eve” (2011).
But nothing could have prepared us for the offensively stupid, shamelessly manipulative, ridiculously predictable and hopelessly dated crap fest that is “Mother’s Day.”
Nearly everyone in the talented and likable cast, including a number of Garry Marshall regulars, is to be commended for trying to lend some air of authenticity to the broadly sketched characters — even if nobody succeeds.
Jennifer Aniston plays Sandy, a divorced mom of two boys who has hopes of getting back together with her rakishly handsome ex, Henry (Timothy Olyphant), until Henry tells Sandy he recently got married to the 20-something bombshell Tina (Shay Mitchell).
Kate Hudson’s Jesse is married to a doctor named Russell (Aasif Mandvi), and they have a toddler son, but she hasn’t told her parents, Earl and Flo (Robert Pine and Margo Martindale), because they’re horrible racists who wouldn’t approve. Oh, and she’s been lying to Russell all this time, telling him her parents are in ill health and living in a retirement facility.
Julia Roberts plays Miranda, a career-driven TV hostess who peddles hideous jewelry and a self-help book.
Britt Robertson is Kristin, a young mother who can’t fully commit to the father, an aspiring stand-up comedian. As Kristin explains to Jesse, she was adopted and she has always wondered about her birth mother. “I have abandonment issues,” says Kristin.
Thanks, Kristin. We got that when you told us about being adopted and never hearing from your birth mother.