A Tale of Two News Sto­ries

The Signal - - Opinion - Emma SOWL

If the ur­ban leg­end web­site Snopes.com were to write up the fol­low­ing two news sto­ries (one false, one true), their page might look some­thing like this: CLAIM No. 1:

In Novem­ber 2018, after re­peated re­ports of in­sti­tu­tional racism in po­lice de­part­ments across Amer­ica, U.S. law en­force­ment of­fi­cials as­sem­bled in Bal­ti­more to vote on con­crete, ef­fec­tive pol­icy change. But only hours be­fore the assem­bly opened, a fed­eral over­sight com­mit­tee is­sued an or­der for­bid­ding the vote.

It is ru­mored that the ki­bosh was put in place by Pres­i­dent Trump, work­ing through Broward County Sher­iff Scott Is­rael and banned­from-ev­ery­thing-but­still-ev­ery­where Alex

Jones, both of whom sit on the over­sight com­mit­tee.

Jones was un­char­ac­ter­is­ti­cally me­dia-shy, but in re­sponse to ques­tions from re­porters, his of­fice said, “Ve know noth­ing. Nuh-thing.” Sher­iff Is­rael de­nied all charges, then read a pre­pared state­ment to ad­dress the last-minute news, which he was shocked to learn.

Sher­iff Is­rael sug­gested that those who were upset at the rul­ing should stand up and out them­selves so the com­mit­tee could com­pile an en­e­mies list. A few brave po­lice chiefs did so. They man­aged to get a vote to the floor on the state­ment, “Racism is not good.”

Right be­fore the vote, Sher­iff Is­rael asked, “What does that state­ment even mean?” and the anony­mous vote re­vealed that far less than half of U.S. law of­fi­cials could agree that racism is not good.

Broward County Elec­tion Su­per­vi­sor Brenda Snipes (whose pres­ence baf­fled every­one) gave a five-minute speech on how every­body in the room needed to stick to­gether. That speech led to the assem­bly is­su­ing a 32-page state­ment on the abuse of mi­nors in the Catholic Church and how the root cause was that ev­ery cit­i­zen in Amer­ica was a la­tent per­vert.

Fi­nally, the assem­bly asked the per­verted cit­i­zens to do­nate to the Po­li­ceper­son’s Ball, an or­ga­ni­za­tion so mis­man­aged it has ac­ci­den­tally given money to the KKK.

STA­TUS: FALSE

CLAIM No. 2:

In Novem­ber 2018, after re­peated re­ports of in­sti­tu­tional cover-ups of sex­ual pre­da­tion by bish­ops, for bish­ops, the United States Con­fer­ence of Catholic Bish­ops (USCCB) gath­ered faith­fully to­gether in Bal­ti­more for a vote on con­crete, ef­fec­tive pol­icy change. But only hours be­fore the open­ing of the assem­bly, the Vat­i­can’s Con­gre­ga­tion for Bish­ops is­sued an in­struc­tion not to vote un­til Fe­bru­ary, when there be an­other meet­ing with a dif­fer­ent set of bish­ops.

It is ru­mored that the ki­bosh was put in place by Pope Fran­cis, work­ing through Chicago Car­di­nal Blase Cupich and re­tired-in-dis­grace-but-still-in-charge Wash­ing­ton, D.C., Car­di­nal Don­ald Wuerl, both of whom sit on the Con­gre­ga­tion of Bish­ops.

Re­tired-in-name-only Car­di­nal Wuerl was un­char­ac­ter­is­ti­cally me­dia-shy, but in re­sponse to ques­tions from re­porters, his of­fice claimed to be un­aware of any­thing. Car­di­nal Cupich also dis­avowed knowl­edge of the in­struc­tion. Then he de­liv­ered an in­cred­i­bly de­tailed state­ment to ad­dress the in­struc­tion that he knew noth­ing about.

Car­di­nal Cupich said that de­lay­ing ac­tion was proof that Pope Fran­cis was tak­ing the cri­sis se­ri­ously. The car­di­nal an­nounced a re­treat he will host in Jan­uary to make sure the U.S. bish­ops are all on the same page. He en­cour­aged bish­ops to re­veal their cur­rent po­si­tions.

A few brave bish­ops did. They man­aged to get a vote to the floor on the state­ment, “Be it re­solved that the bish­ops of the USCCB en­cour­age the Holy Fa­ther to release all the doc­u­men­ta­tion that can be re­leased con­sis­tent with canon and civil law re­gard­ing the mis­con­duct of Arch­bishop McCar­rick.”

Car­di­nal Cupich ex­pressed con­fu­sion about what the state­ment meant, and the clicker vote re­vealed that far less than half of U.S. bish­ops could agree to ask the pon­tiff for the truth about a no­to­ri­ous sex preda­tor who just sparked two RICO in­ves­ti­ga­tions against the Catholic Church.

Re­tired-un­der-dis­grace Los An­ge­les Car­di­nal Roger Ma­hony (whose pres­ence baf­fled every­one) gave a fiveminute speech on how every­body in the room needed to stick to­gether. Then the assem­bly is­sued a 32-page state­ment on racism in Amer­ica that called out the po­lice and Catholic laity for not even know­ing how racist they ac­tu­ally are.

Fi­nally, the USCCB asked the racist laity to do­nate to the bish­ops’ Catholic Cam­paign for Hu­man De­vel­op­ment, an or­ga­ni­za­tion that has re­peat­edly given tens of thou­sands of dol­lars to San Fran­cisco’s Coali­tion on Home­less­ness, a group whose Street Sheets is pro-Planned Par­ent­hood, pro-pros­ti­tu­tion, and pro-silly po­etry.

STA­TUS: TRUE

MORAL OF THE STO­RIES: Truth is stranger than fic­tion.

Emma Sowl grew up in the Santa Clarita Val­ley. She be­came Catholic in 1993 and Repub­li­can in 2002. “Right Here, Right Now” ap­pears Satur­days and ro­tates among sev­eral lo­cal Repub­li­cans.

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