Uni­ver­sal Free Gun Care for Use­less Fed­eral Mall Cops

The Signal - - Opinion - John BOS­TON John Bos­ton is a lo­cal writer, armed with a sar­donic smile and bed­room eyes…

Even when I was a kid in my 20s, I thought there was some­thing screw­ball about the Left. Later, dur­ing my col­lege days, I no­ticed that lib­eral ac­tivists were void of hu­mor and one inch away from be­ing bomb throw­ers. They were loud, ob­nox­ious, rude, vi­o­lent and nuts, sprin­kled with a lib­eral dose of cow­ardice.

Their per­sonal hum­drum­mia was el­e­vated through bat­tles with imag­i­nary dark gods. From cof­fee house stools and blan­kets at con­certs, they saw them­selves as pre­tend war­riors of a mighty, beret-wear­ing free­dom-fight­ing army.

They were con­stantly yangy, often high and cer­tainly para­noid. The Left was al­ways speak­ing in revered hush tones of “The Man.”

“The Man” was that no-so-myth­i­cal crea­ture who ran the un­holy ca­bal of gov­ern­ment and big cor­po­ra­tion. “The Man” wanted to con­trol what you bought, thought and fought. “‘The Man’ gonna getcha,” as Cree­dence Clear­wa­ter Re­vival warned through a driv­ing rock-a-billy beat. Funny thing. The Left was right. Well. Let’s just say, “on to some­thing.”

A re­cent Gov­ern­ment Ac­count­abil­ity Of­fice re­port noted that the In­ter­nal Rev­enue Ser­vice (for those of you with just pub­lic high school and col­lege ed­u­ca­tions, that would be the IRS, which col­lects fed­eral in­come taxes) has some in­ter­est­ing brass knuck­les in their of­fice sup­ply clos­ets.

Like 5,062,006 rounds of am­mu­ni­tion and 4,487 guns. That’s not the Marines. That’s not the Coast Guard or FBI. It’s the IRS. That’s the bu­reau­cracy that ques­tions whether your de­duc­tion of a $29.74 ex­pense for mar­i­tal aids is le­git­i­mate un­der Busi­ness En­ter­tain­ment Ex­pense.

And, it is, if you’re in show biz and a donor to the Demo­cratic Party.

Fun with num­bers?

You could shoot 16 tax cheats 316,375 times with that amount of fire­power.

Now I can see the IRS’ point of view. There are about 122 mil­lion tax­pay­ers in the United States. That would mean, with that stock­pile of ammo, a stag­ger­ing 117 mil­lion Amer­i­can tax­pay­ers would NOT be shot in 2019! Well. At least once. Un­ac­cept­able! From 2010 to 2017, the 20 agen­cies in the GAO re­port spent nearly $40 mil­lion in firearms, about a THIRD OF A BIL­LION DOL­LARS in am­mu­ni­tion and about $1.6 BIL­LION in tac­ti­cal weapons.

The Left is go­ing to love this.

Be­sides all its fire­power (about 150,000 shot­gun shells for 223 shot­guns, or 673 shells per gun) the En­vi­ron­men­tal Pro­tec­tion Agency has, in its equip­ment shed, four si­lencers for pis­tols.


Ex­cuse me? They screw a si­lencer onto a .38 Spe­cial be­cause they don’t want to star­tle a spot­ted owl when the EPA rubs out some­one for camp­ing out of sea­son?

Solemn Bass Booth An­nouncer Voice: “When Spot­ted Owls Are Out­lawed, Only Spot­ted Owls Will Have Guns.”

Why did the Small Busi­ness Ad­min­is­tra­tion spend tens of thou­sands on Glocks? What. They didn’t like an ap­pli­cant’s 10-year busi­ness plan on his loan ap­pli­ca­tion?

In 1996, the De­part­ment of Vet­eran Af­fairs had zero (0) armed em­ploy­ees. Zip. Nada. Nary a one. To­day, they have a small army of 3,700 of­fi­cers who carry mil­lions of dol­lars of weaponry, in­clud­ing AR-15s. Are dis­abled vet­er­ans THAT un­ruly while they wait in line for months for med­i­cal treat­ment?

I love this part of the GAO re­port. They can’t in­form the pub­lic of part of their re­port be­cause some of the in­for­ma­tion is “too sen­si­tive” for the pub­lic. Uh-huh. Does Hous­ing and Hu­man Ser­vices have a se­cret ken­nel filled with killer hounds who eat peo­ple for over­stay­ing their Sec­tion 8 wel­come? What else is miss­ing from the re­port? Na­palm? Siege en­gines?

I don’t hear Niel Young whin­ing, in a hastily cre­ated sin­gle: “Down by the riv-ver­rrr. Weights & Mea­sures shot my bay-beeeeeeeeeeeeee…”

I’m guess­ing Madonna won’t prom­ise to ap­pear nude just be­cause the IRS has ab­so­lutely no book­keep­ing idea how many guns and how much ammo they own.

Not mak­ing that up. The IRS just buys ord­nance and for­gets about it. Try that scam of, “Geez. I dunno… Wuz I SUP­POSE-TA keep records?” next time you get au­dited for an in-home of­fice.

Ba­si­cally, what’s go­ing on is free coun­try club mem­ber­ship, golf balls, clubs and sun­screen for a new Amer­i­can de­mo­graphic: the Use­less Fed­eral Mall Cop. But, in­stead of golf, it’s free shoot­ing range mem­ber­ships.

We have to pro­tect the cit­i­zenry and fed­eral em­ploy­ees. But arm­ing the U.S. Ge­o­log­i­cal Sur­vey?


The fed­eral Rail­road Re­tire­ment Board spent $7,000 on ammo. Around 15 cents a bul­let, you could shoot each per­son in both feet in an un­ruly mob of 28,000 the next time they storm a board meet­ing (if the RRB still holds board meet­ings).

There are now more fed­eral armed em­ploy­ees (200,000) than Marines (188,000).

I’d laugh if it weren’t so in­sane. The Left de­mands the shred­ding of the Sec­ond Amend­ment. They dance in Ne­olithic aban­don over declar­ing some hippy berg a “nu­cle­ar­free zone,” safe from atomic mis­sile at­tack be­cause of a hand-painted sign sta­pled to their city lim­its. And yet, not a squeak from the Left over the fact that the Food and Drug Ad­min­is­tra­tion has enough fire­power to take over all of Man­i­toba.


It’s about 250,000 square miles. Clear out the Cana­di­ans and it’d make a per­fect open fed­eral prac­tice fir­ing range for all our need­lessly armed fed­eral em­ploy­ees.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from USA

© PressReader. All rights reserved.