Tentacle-Sniffing Joe & the UFO Guys from Uranus
Iwas delighted that, after 50 years, Congress is holding hearings about the existence of UFOs. A committee has been poring over thousands of out-of-focus, fuzzy images of something flying through the heavens at warp speeds but later learned from a testifying Newhall Highway Patrol officer that it was just city Councilwoman Marsha McLean driving her citypaid-for Ferrari.
One hysterical witness confessed she had been “beamed” aboard a huge spacecraft, taken to dinner and a movie, had all her clothes removed, “was probed like a sheepishly grinning ISIS sniper at LAX,” had her brain removed and replaced with a Brussels sprout then sent back to Earth where she successfully ran for Congress in the Bronx. Rep.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was thanked for her testimony and asked to leave as her “big, hubcap-sized bug eyes” were frankly freaking out the committee.
Interesting timing. I have it from a highly placed secret source in military intelligence (Sgt. Eric Carlson) that extraterrestrial contact was made just last week.
Apparently, alien astronauts visited Earth and asked: “Take me to your leader.” They met Joe Biden’s 8th-grade intern teleprompter typist, then Joe Biden. The UFOers saluted, mumbled, “What a complete ozo-bay,” then headed back to the buffet to eat 64 pounds of shrimp cocktail, a delicacy on Uranus.
Yes. It’s true. One cannot write a UFO column without a peppering of “Uranus” references. Uranus. Myanus. His/Hers/ Theiranus. They teach that at Hart.
According to media reports, the military has 46 million pieces of film evidence alone. Dr. Anthony Fauci, Chinese Flu Don’t Anybody Move Covid Czar, dismissed the film and photographs as hoaxes and “eye floaters.”
Or, if you’re a pirate, “Aaayyyyye floaters…” Speaking on the startling revelations, new White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said, “Nertz. I know I’ve put those nuclear codes here somewhere…” then: “See? Toldya. If we would’ve clobbered those babies in the womb, nobody’d be whining about baby formula…”
Actually, I heard the meeting with Biden and the octopus people from, say it with me — Uranus — went quite duckily. Joe offered to grant the aliens citizenship in exchange for voting “Communist” and some “real tasty babies to eat.”
Some liberal congresspronouns fear that contact with an advanced civilization could be catastrophic for, if not Earth, then West Hollywood, which is already inundated with tentacled inhabitants. Lousy doomsdayists. Under alien domination, America could enjoy science light years beyond our abilities. All disease could be cured. Except Tourette’s. Curing Tourette’s would destroy our thriving potty-mouthed billion-dollar movie industry. Fair trade? We could give the UFOianites all our yangy, complaining Democrats, which they could use for mulch, hors d’oeuvres, pet food, sexual lubricant or for starting fights in beer bars with their inappropriate big giant mouths.
Some in Congress worry that with superior firepower the aliens from the planet You-Know-Where and the last syllable rhymes with “muss” could turn their weaponry on a helpless Washington, D.C., New York City, Chicago or Los Angeles.
(We now will pause this Mr. SCV column currently in progress and enjoy a five-minute interlude of the soft elevator-music song: “Girl From Ipanema.” Please feel free to fold your Friday Signal into a pulp hat, sigh longingly, smile, dance in place and consider life without these previously mentioned and annoying smelly armpit population centers…)
It’s an interesting question. Why would an enlightened being want to visit Earth? Vacation in the Ukraine? Get here early for good seats for the next season premier of “Yellowstone”? Tuesday Taco Night? Perhaps there was a glitch in their time travel instrumentation and the aliens thought Donald Trump was still president and America wasn’t careening downhill in a wheelbarrow to Booger-Eating Woke Flaming Socialist Moronville.
While the Democrat-led Congress held hearings about the legitimacy of UFO evidence, the president and Vice President Kamala Harris entertained their super-smart guests by showing their teeth and making fun shadow puppets. The president boasted he “owned pants” and demonstrated how to wander off into curtains.
After an awkward silence, our One Beat Away person said, “Look what I can do!” and performed an inappropriate and unlady-like splits.
Neither leader seemed interested enough to ask: “So WHY are you here?” The president read from a prepared statement: “We actually today have the science to create Love Potion Number Nine.” The president stared off toward a distant horizon for an hour, then continued. “I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink…”
Harris asked if the astronauts were “Peppers” and said she once dated a Pepper and considered converting. In yet another moment of national embarrassment, at the mention of “Peppers,” the president started screaming that during the French and Indian Wars, Biden had strangled all four of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, “with my bare hands, killing three of the wretched islanders from the Falklands. Cereal.” The president asked, “What do tentacles smell like?” and made a move toward a buxom and apparent female lieutenant but was stopped by 50 volts from his “No Mr. President!” electric dog collar.
In between talks, the Uranusians were treated to a state lunch. Hit of the event? The giant silver fountain from which flowed a seemingly endless supply of government-surplus baby formula to which the aliens politely declined and inquired: “What’s the Earth word for ‘Dr. Pepper?’”
My source pointed out that a bucket of Sick-At-The-Vet steaming monkey unmentionables would seem like Einstein next to the No. 1 and No. 2 Most Powerful Man and Woman on the Planet voted in by 81 million citizens and that maybe we were jumping to conclusions.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be afraid. Maybe these UFO pilots aren’t as highly advanced as we think,” my source confided. “You know? Like all those auto shop hood guys we used to be afraid of in high school? Fast cars? Brains the size of BBs…?”