Bored with food can be worse than bored eating
Most of us know only too well the dangers of bored eating. We eat too much when we’re bored. And if we’re bored a lot, we consume so many mindless calories that we soon weigh more than a water buffalo that can tip the scales at 2,000 pounds.
Of course, the trick is getting a water buffalo to step onto a scale. You might have a better chance of coaching a fly to bench press a mule.
But what if you get bored with food? Even food you once found so delicious that is shifted your salivary glands into third simply thinking about it.
Then you have a problem. One, you’ve lost one of the true joys of life — eating something you like. Two, you eventually resemble a rake handle.
Good luck trying to buy off the rack if you’re as thin as a rake handle. Ditto standing in a high wind.
I find myself getting bored with food. Pizza, cheeseburgers and hoagies still intrigue me on a good day. But truth to be told, there are dark days when even they nauseate me. Ditto filet mignon and lobster.
OK, OK. I know I’m going nuts.
Or am I?
Isn’t it logical that 72 years of eating the same diet gets a little old, just like me?
So I guess I’ll need to diversify my menu before I waste away. So I’ve been researching weird foods you likely won’t find at a supermarket.
However, weird foods may make my mouth work like a guppy’s as I fight to catch my breath after swallowing them. Then again, I won’t be bored.
Some possible choices are: Stargazy pie, which has fish looking up at you. Of course, that could be a bit disconcerting. Especially if the fish winks at you. But it beats looking at disfigured gerbils.
Drunken shrimp from China. These fresh-water shrimps are soaked in baijiu, which is strong liquor. If you recall, I’m bored with food, not alcohol.
African bushmeat, also known as wild meat or game meat from non-domesticated animals hunted for food in tropical forests. But bushmeat may mess with your digestive track, considering it is believed to be the cause of the 2014 Ebola breakout in West Africa. So I have scant inclination to flock to bushmeat like ants to a honey hill.
Granted, I could always wash down bushmeat with airag, which hails from Mongolia. Airag is a fermented mare’s milk known to have significant health benefits. As an added bonus, it contains alcohol. Tempting.
Another option are monkey brains from either China, Africa or South Asia. The origin doesn’t matter. I’m not a picky eater when it comes to exotic food. Monkey brains are said to taste mushy and metallic. But it is recommended you get drunk first before your first bite. Duly noted.
No list of weird foods can omit wasp crackers from Japan. These wasps used in crackers are farmed for human consumption. God knows why. Their larvae can be eaten with rice. Best served with a bucket that can double as a puke bucket if your stomach literally acts up.
Then there is ant eggs soup from Laos. The eggs from soldier ants are separated in a bucket of water and later cooked with fish or beef with vegetables. The eggs have a soggy puffed rice texture. I may ease into this delicacy by starting with Quaker Oats puffed rice cereal.
Lutefisk from Norway caught my eye until I read the fine print. Lutefisk is an aged stockfish or dried whitefish treated with lye. I draw the line at lye. No amount of alcohol can wash lye down my throat without me gagging to death.
Much more appealing at first blush, at least to me, is deep-fried tarantula from Cambodia. These hairy creatures are said to taste like spareribs. A plus for sure. Alas, isn’t there always a catch? They have spider eggs and excrement inside. A double negative for absolute certainty. The stomach simply reels over how atrocious that must be.
Finally, there is baby mice wine from China and Korea that is said to be bursting with health benefits. But apparently it’s only for idiots who like the taste of raw gasoline. I like wine as much as the next guy, but this crosses the line.
Come to think of it, I’ve changed my mind. My usual menu of ho-hum food no longer seems all that boring. I’ll somehow find a way to gulp and grimace my way through veal scallopini.