God, it’s time for Putin to go
Dear God,
I’ve decided to write you this letter in lieu of texting because I haven’t seen any Biblical references to Wi-Fi in heaven.
You obviously have noticed that Vladimir Putin is committing countless atrocities in Ukraine, just like he did in Syria and Chechnya.
I’m sure plenty of Ukrainians these days are having impassioned chats with you as they peer into the gargantuan void of despair. Their country is redolent with the musk of soul-numbing loss.
Those poor souls are wondering if there possibly can be enough glue and duct tape in the world to put everything back the way it once was in their country.
Putin is a killing machine dealing destruction more adroitly than a blackjack dealer. People who oppose him in Russia are either poisoned or fall out of 50th-floor windows. And the latter folks weren’t experiencing a sudden vertigo attack.
I realize that you’re busy with Lent and the approach of Easter, but you need to find the time to take out Putin. Of course, I’m not going to ask you to kill Putin because that would violate the Sixth Commandment.
Plus it would be a mortal sin for me to agree with Lindsay Graham on something.
But considering that Putin has violated that Sixth Commandment infinite times, could you at least disable him enough so he no longer can commit war crimes and slaughter innocent women and children?
Granted, we’re not supposed to question your will. But there are some of us who are sick of seeing the good die young while the bad keep on breathing and killing.
Of course, I know you have some deliciously nasty things in store for Putin when he finally does go to hell. I’m sure you and Lucifer will see to it that Putin’s eternity truly is a living hell.
But that is for the not so sweet bye and bye. As for now, how about a stroke that so muddles Putin’s mind that he confuses Will Smith with Chris Rock? Or a small aneurysm that fixates his mind on gender identity, leaving him solely focused on what pronouns to call people instead of what weapons to kill them with?
Either one would be fitting punishment for a mass murderer who drips narcissism from his nostrils and projects an icy blade of arrogance.
I realize that you’ve been a more benign deity here in the New Testament, but you weren’t shy about dishing out harsh punishment in the Old Testament.
For starters, you kicked out Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden because they took a bite of forbidden fruit. And now we only have the Garden State Parkway, which is choked with traffic every summer. Hopefully Putin’s arteries are as clogged.
You destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and a rain of burning sulfur. And you turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt merely because she looked back at Sodom and Gomorrah while they were being incinerated.
One must not forget your Great Flood that drowned the entire world except for Noah, his family and some animals.
So the divine punishment precedent clearly is in place. It would be a wonderful Easter present to the world if Putin suddenly were incapacitated or if one of the Kremlin insiders poisoned or beheaded him. After all, Brutus betrayed Julius Caesar. Perhaps it’s time for a sequel.
Forgive me if you feel my entreaties to you in this letter are out of line. But my patron saint is Michael the Archangel, so I’m a big proponent righting wrongs with the sword.
Forgive me if you feel my entreaties to you in this letter are out of line. But my patron saint is Michael the Archangel, so I’m a big proponent righting wrongs with the sword.