Column: Not even Wensleydale?

“Give me a good sharp knife and a good sharp cheese and I’m a happy man.” — George R.R. Martin

In the Wallace and Gromit animated short “A Close Shave,” Wallace, a cheese enthusiast, strikes up a relationship with the comely Wendolene, but there’s one problem. Wendolene doesn’t like cheese.

This puzzles Wallace, who once traveled with his dog Gromit to the moon because “everyone knows the moon is made of cheese.” Even that trip is nearly fraught with disaster when Wallace realizes in the nick of time they’ve forgotten the crackers.

Wallace can’t grasp Wendolene’s dislike of cheese. “Not even Wensleydale?” he asks her, puzzled. Poor Wallace. It will never work out.

I feel the same way Wallace does about cheese.

Years ago, I gave up meat during Lent. Near the end of that experiment I went to see my doctor to get my cholesterol tested. When the good Dr. Keith Parmer looked at my results, my cholesterol was up.

I was disappointed and told him that I had not partaken of animal flesh for 40 days. When he asked me what I ate instead, I beamed: “Cheese!!”

The doc sighed and kindly explained to me that if I am going to eat a small portion of something, a lean meat would be far better for me than fatty, salty cheese.

He then explained to me what cheeses are relatively healthy and which are not. I don’t remember what he told me. All I heard was the shrouded sound of Charlie Brown’s teacher talking. Dr. Parmer has since retired. I hope I didn’t push him over the edge.

I really could give up meat easier than I could give up cheese. Honestly. Let me scrape the melted mozzarella off the hamburger and eat that, and you can eat the hamburger. Yes, I would miss eating meat, but I could deal with it. No cheese? Never.

Many people enjoy window-shopping. Me, I amble by the deli in Kroger, which has an awesome cheese section. Unfortunately for those folks at Kroger, I seldom buy. I just look and dream. If the glass display was high enough I would press my nose against it like a little child looking into a candy store.

The variety is tantalizing. There is Stilton, a lovely blue cheese that crumbles easily and is salty and tangy. There is Havarti, Swiss, Camembert, aged Gouda and brie. The list goes on and on.

My first experience with Stilton was a few years ago when my son’s girlfriend threw a Father’s Day brunch. She had this huge hunk of Stilton, some crackers and thinly sliced Italian ham. I love that girl.

Last year for Christmas my wife, who loves me despite my many faults, bought me a piece of Gorgonzola, an Italian blue cheese. I savored it. I would nibble a little bit off every day, wrap it up and put it back in the fridge. I think it lasted nearly a week.

By the way, first and foremost, not all cheese is created equal. I know folks are fond of Velveeta. I have no issue with it if you use it to make a cheese dip or something like that. REAL cheese can be difficult to melt, but the idea of actually EATING Velveeta makes me shiver.

Also, most of those individual “cheez” slices that come pre-wrapped in plastic aren’t real cheese either. While they add substance to your sandwich, most of them are merely processed vegetable oil with food col- oring and salt. Eating one of those things as your first introduction to cheese would be like drinking a cup of Nescafe for your first taste of coffee.

My wife on Tuesday also delivered some disheartening news about shredded cheese. I knew there was a reason why shredded cheese doesn’t taste like something you just sliced. She informed me shredded cheese has wood pulp in it.

I was horrified. I was certain she was just passing that on in hopes of preventing me from dying in a cheese-induced coma. But it turns out it is true.

According to a Wall Street Journal article, the food industry uses tiny pieces of wood pulp and other plant fiber in shredded cheese to keep it from sticking together.

From what I understand, if you check the packaging, you won’t find the words “wood pulp.” I think they cleverly call it “powdered cellulose.” It appears it is not the least bit harmful. I’m not planning on cutting it out of my diet.

Other than the Velveeta and the processed cheese-like products, I am really not a cheese snob. I’ll pretty much eat anything: cheddar, Swiss, Muenster, provolone etc. Unlike The Food Network snobs, I even like the Parmesan cheese that comes out of the round, plastic container. No need for a cheese grater there.

My first taste of blue cheese came when my mom gave me some crumbles to make blue cheese dressing. It never got that far. I ate the crumbles out of the container with a spoon.

Mike Colombo is managing editor of the Rome News-Tribune.