A conversation with Sean Grover

AP: How does this kind of bullying begin?

Grover: It’s been around a long time in child development, really, but it just didn’t have that name. The prime reason for it is a backlash against the authoritative parenting of the past. People make these vows that they’re never going to be that punishing or that way with their kids.

Today parents go too far in the other direction. They want to be their kids’ friends, they’re afraid of their children, of losing their child’s affection.

AP: So there’s more guilt-prone, anxietyfueled, fix-everything parenting today?

Grover: Absolutely there’s more. You get into a strange situation where the less parents provide things like structure and boundaries, like in the past, the more kids begin to act up. They’re unconsciously waving flags: ‘Will you do something over here, please?’ It’s this crazy dance where kids will push their parents until they set a limit and once they do, things settle down quickly.

AP: How do we reclaim our parent power?

Grover: So often we treat parenting as one size fits all. Strategies usually begin by going backward. Rather than trying to snuff out the problem, what’s causing the problem? Rather than trying to control a conflict or control a situation, look at the whole child and find what’s missing.

AP: You’ve spoken about your own struggles as a parent.

Grover: When my oldest daughter was about 6 she’d have these horrific temper tantrums, meltdowns, screaming. I was at a New Year’s Day celebration and she was making such a scene. Being a therapist, I was dying a million deaths. She was screaming, running away from me, telling me to shut up. And when I went home, I looked at my parenting books and I just wanted to throw all of them out the window. They were just so generic. It was as if one parenting script fits all cultures.

In my book, really I’m asking parents to consider their history, their culture, their upbringing. What kind of parenting did they get, what were their parents’ light qualities, what were their dark qualities?

I went to go see a parenting specialist and paid him a lot of money. We had been doing all the usual parent things, you know, punishments, consequences, making lists, and it was like running a prison. It was so miserable.

The parenting expert, told me, “I want you to have breakfast with your daughter three times a week.”

I was like what? And he said during that time you do not talk about yourself, you do not offer any advice, criticisms, you don’t tell stories. You just give yourself completely to her.”

“We went to a restaurant and she just devoured that level of attention. She was a pure delight to be with. It triggered a maturing process.”