An ad­vance look at what could be ma­jor news sto­ries in 2019

The Standard Journal - - LOCAL - DICK YARBROUGH

Iam not very good at prog­nos­ti­ca­tions. But I am al­ways full of hope. There are a num­ber of events I would love to see hap­pen in 2019; so much so that I have al­ready writ­ten a short re­lease on each should they oc­cur. That way, I will look very smart and since I will al­ready have told you about them, I will have more free time to pur­sue my dream of play­ing “Sweet Betsy from Pike” on my ukulele with the New York Phil­har­monic. (Spoiler alert: There will be no en­cores be­cause that’s the only song I can play on my ukulele.)

So, let’s get right to the I-hope-weread sto­ries in 2019:

A com­mit­tee of pub­lic school­teach­ers is look­ing at when the Gen­eral Assem­bly should be­gin its yearly leg­isla­tive ses­sions. They were in­spired by a bunch of state sen­a­tors who think they know best when schools should start with­out ask­ing teach­ers for their opin­ions. “We have made no def­i­nite de­ci­sions,” a spokesper­son de­clared, “but we want to give our in­trepid pub­lic ser­vants time to go work and play at Six Flags and Stone Moun­tain Park to make up for the in­con­ve­nience they say they will face if Ge­or­gia dares to put the ed­u­ca­tion of our young peo­ple ahead of their bot­tom line.” At this point, the school­teacher com­mit­tee is lean­ing toward rec­om­mend­ing a half-day ses­sion, which would give leg­is­la­tors enough time for a free meal from lizard-loafered lob­by­ists but not enough time to dump more tax­payer money into pri­vate school schol­ar­ships.

Colin Kaeper­nick says he is through kneel­ing be­cause of his lum­bago and the fact that Amer­i­cans have found out they can live with­out watch­ing his fel­low mul­ti­mil­lion­aire knee-jerks dis­re­spect their coun­try on Sun­days. He will, in­stead, join the #Me­Too move­ment and con­cen­trate on his col­leagues who slap around their girl­friends. He has also an­nounced that he is grow­ing a nest of robins in his hair.

THE UNI­VER­SITY OF GE­OR­GIA APOLOGIZES FOR BE­ING THE OLD­EST STATECHARTERED UNI­VER­SITY IN THE NA­TION, HAV­ING MORE RHODES SCHOL­ARS THAN ALL OTHER IN­STI­TU­TIONS IN THE STATE COM­BINED AND A LOAD OF FIVE-STAR ATH­LETES. In a rare move, the ad­min­is­tra­tion at the Uni­ver­sity of Ge­or­gia has apol­o­gized for be­ing ex­cel­lent at so many things. “While it is not our fault that we were the first state-char­tered uni­ver­sity in the na­tion and that we keep hav­ing all th­ese Rhodes schol­ars se­lected and five-star ath­letes want­ing to come to school here,” a spokesper­son said, “we are aware that not ev­ery in­sti­tu­tion is as blessed as we are.” He blames much of the con­tro­versy on a cer­tain mod­est and much-beloved colum­nist who won’t quit talk­ing about the place. With guns cur­rently al­lowed in churches, bars, pub­lic build­ings, col­lege cam­puses and the like, gun pro­po­nents are hail­ing the ef­forts of Rep. Mandi “An­nie Oak­ley” Ballinger, R-Chero­kee, and Rick “Shoot low, boys. They’re ridin’ Shet­lands” Jasperse, R-Jasper, to pro­mote leg­is­la­tion al­low­ing Ge­or­gians to pack heat un­der the Gold Dome. “It oc­curred to us that if we al­lowed guns ev­ery­where else but the state Capi­tol,” they said, “it would make us look like a cou­ple of hyp­ocrites.” Po­lit­i­cal ob­servers say the term “shoot­ing down leg­is­la­tion” will now take on a whole new mean­ing. THE WITH­DRAWAL OF U.S. FROM THE LEAGUE OF NA­TIONS AF­TER HE FIRES FED­ERAL RE­SERVE CHAIR­MAN. Pres­i­dent Don­ald Trump sur­prised Congress to­day by tweet­ing that the U.S. will no longer be a mem­ber of the League of Na­tions as soon as he fires Jerome Pow­ell, chair­man of the Fed­eral Re­serve. Staff mem­bers will draw straws to de­ter­mine who will have to go tell the pres­i­dent that there is no League of Na­tions any­more and that by law he can’t fire the chair­man of the Fed­eral Re­serve. The pres­i­dent will go on Twit­ter and crit­i­cize his staff as lazy, in­com­pe­tent and stupid and won­der who hired them. Staff will then draw straws to de­ter­mine who will have to go tell him he did.

The pres­ti­gious New York Phil­har­monic is proud to an­nounce a spe­cial ap­pear­ance by C. Richard Yarbrough, noted ukeleleist, who will per­form “Sweet Betsy from Pike” in the key of C. How­ever, due to cir­cum­stances be­yond his con­trol, we re­gret Mr. Yarbrough will not be per­form­ing en­cores.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at [email protected]­yarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, At­lanta, Ge­or­gia, 31139 or on Face­book at

www.face­book.com/dick­yarb.

Yarbrough

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