How much ‘father’ is it?

The Standard Journal - - LOCAL - DAVID CAR­ROLL

You can blame it on Au­toCor­rect, Spell Check, voice-ac­ti­vated text, or just a lack of spell­ing skills, but so­cial me­dia con­tin­ues to be a bot­tom­less pit of un­in­ten­tional laughs. Here is my lat­est batch of Face­book foul-ups, with my com­ments in paren­the­ses.

“My son has opened a new auto body & gen­der re­pair shop.” (I can only imag­ine the parts depart­ment.)

“I may have to take this to the school bored.” (Well, can’t you act even a lit­tle ex­cited?)

“He didn’t do nothin’ wrong. It was guilt by the so­ci­a­tion.” (Then by all means, lock up the so­ci­a­tion.)

“Any­body got some Rock-wiler pups for sale?” (Nope, but I can fix you up with a Jack Daniels Ter­rier.)

Store sign: “Bone­less Ba­nanas 49 cents” (Is that a firm price?)

“He bet­ter get his ducks in the road!” (Only if he puts a duck cross­ing sign up first.)

“I’m go­ing to prom with Brain.” (Did you mis­spell his name, or is he the vale­dic­to­rian?)

“I don’t like the taste of skin milk.” (Well then, don’t get the or­ganic kind.)

“They’re hav­ing a meet­ing on gum vi­o­lence.” (Will the ri­val den­tist gangs be rep­re­sented?)

“The team was forty points down and tried to come back, but their ef­forts were to Noah Vail.” (Maybe they should have given the ball to some­one else.)

“He is be­ing sent out on a navel mis­sion.” (I bet he will spend a lot of time on the beach.)

“How much father is it from here?” (Not sure. Let me ask father.)

“We have a hugh wine col­lec­tion.” (Got any by Larry?)

“We have a wine seller down­stairs.” (Is his name Hugh?)

“I don’t mine at all.” (Me nei­ther. Min­ing looks like hard work.)

“Af­ter the divorce, she through out all his clothes.” (Maybe threw the win­dow?)

“Now that his busi­ness has closed, Bob will have to find a new lively hood.” (If you have to find a hood, make it a lively one!)

“We used to live next to a chicken coupe.” (At least it wasn’t a sedan.)

“They said that wo­man at the Supreme Court hear­ing was the main se­na­tor. I didn’t know they had one of those.” (That means she was elected in that state just north of New Ham­ster.)

“I bet that car cost at lease thirty thou­sand dol­lars.” (Or, you could just rent it for a while. Let’s see, there’s a name for that…)

“Congress would work bet­ter if they would reach across the isle.” (How wide is their boat?)

“I am ex­cited about my up­com­ing mar­riage to Sarah. I am proud that she is my fi­nance.” (So you’ve signed a pre-nup?)

“You can count on the Marine Core.” (Sure, but don’t for­get the Armey and the Navey.)

“I thought he might re­mem­ber me from school, but he didn’t even eggnol­lege me.” (I mean af­ter all, I used to help him with his spell­ing.)

“We en­joyed the meat loaf, but I had to pour on a lot of catch up.” (Still, it was a good way to ketchup with your friends, right?)

“Keep my name out of it. I want to re­main to­tally unan­i­mous.” (We took a vote, and it was one hun­dred per­cent anony­mous.)

“Her first hus­band was from one of them north­ern states, I think it was Detroit.” (No wait, maybe it was Canada.)

“If I win the lot­tery, I will just dye.” (Maybe a lighter shade?)

“Peo­ple who don’t cast their bal­let have no room to com­plain.” (But hope­fully they have room to prac­tice their jumps.)

“He is a sharp dresser, al­ways look­ing very sheik.” (I guess he buys his clothes in Saudi Ara­bia.)

“I want to adopt that dog, but I want to make sure she’s spade.” (Hope­fully she will show her cards.)

“I need some new tires. My friend says Mich­e­lob is a good brand.” (There’s a good chance your friend isn’t talk­ing about tires.)

“I’ll just cross that bride when I come to it!” (Trust me, you don’t want to cross her.)

“We’ve got some shop­ping to do. Let’s go maul­ing!” (Well, let’s get the shop­ping out of the way first.)

“He’s in charge, for all in­ten­sive pur­poses.” (Is that like in­ten­sive care?)

“You mi­nus well face it, you lost the elec­tion.” (And that puts you in the mi­nus col­umn.)

“How many hang­ers do they have at that air­port?” (I don’t know. How many coats are you bring­ing?)

“When I walk through the woods, I can see about 250 dif­fer­ent spices of birds.” (Don’t tell that to Colonel San­ders. He only uses 11 herbs and species.)

“I’m glad Christ­mas is over. At my house, I have to do all the rap­ping.” (I’m sure your voice could use a rest!)

“No­body should be for­est to do something against their will.” (So true. And like Smokey the Bear al­ways said, “Only you can pre­vent forced fires!”)

David Car­roll, a Chat­tanooga news an­chor, is the author of “Vol­un­teer Bama Dawg,” a col­lec­tion of his best col­umns. You may con­tact him at 900 White­hall Road, Chat­tanooga, Ten­nessee, 37405 or [email protected]


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