What mindset makes victims return to their abusers?
Years ago, I received a telephone call from a female friend of our family. She said that her live-in boyfriend had crashed his car through their garage door and raped her. I immediately drove to their house where she met me at the front door. After pulling her to the safety of my car, I used my cellphone to contact the local police.
The following day she called me again and said that she had dropped the charges against him and that they were back together. What seemed like a day later was probably a year later; she called again to say that they had gotten married.
What mindset makes victims return to their abusers over and over? Just as intriguing is what mindset makes a person hurt some- one who they love? A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey indicated that 1 in 4 women are victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse or stalking by their partner. The statistics for men are 1 in 9.
In the past, bewildered family and law enforcement officers only told victims, “You must leave now because things won’t get any better.” Low self-esteem, fear, bashfulness and intimidation were thought to be driving factors behind why victims would return to their abuser. One woman once told me that she was very shy, had to fight for attention, and she dated degenerates because she was intimidated by anyone successful.
While these factors are valid reasons, there are other factors that should be considered. Abusers usually feel the need to control their victim. Many make their victim beg for money and dictate whom they can communicate with. Frequently, victims are prevented from talking to their family or anyone who might assist them in leaving. Abusers need to destroy their victim’s self-confidence so that they’re able to maintain control. Victims are made to feel unworthy of being loved, so leaving their abuser doesn’t feel like an option. Today, law enforcement officers give confidential support, suggest proper health facilities, provide information and enforce local laws.
Our family friend’s abuser was delightful, intelligent and charismatic. He knew how to manipulate everyone, but with law enforcement experience, it was easy for me to see his true nature. He tried to blame her for everything, and she bought it hook, line and sinker. He made her feel like she deserved being abused and that the abuse wasn’t as bad as she claimed. He called her names and said that she was wimpy, weepy and creepy. We pleaded with her to leave and tried to explain that it wasn’t her fault, but she refused to accept our viewpoint.
Our culture teaches us that we shouldn’t be quitters because we can do anything we desire. I believe that our family friend thought she could change him or that things might eventually get better. Unfortunately, she was sadly mistaken. Her abuser was the one and only person who could eliminate the abuse. She tried to convince us that she possessed the ability to soothe him. She outright said that she wasn’t a failure and they had a bright future together. Many couples live together and have a roller coaster of good and bad times, with love being the adhesive that keeps them strong. Even with problems like learning to live with each other, meager salaries and raising a family, love does make a difference.
“Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing” is a 1955 drama-romance film about a married couple who were separated. A widowed lady doctor fell in love and found brief pleasure with the married-but-separated man. Their love was a show of grand ceremony or majesty, but it was difficult. In their case, time together was cut short because he was killed in a war. In our family friend’s case, time stood still because she couldn’t walk away from her husband’s abuse. They built a life together, even though it wasn’t a life that most of us would want. She seemed to love him even though she was never safe.
Regardless of what family said, she refused to leave his power and control and continued to believe that he would change. We were overjoyed one day when we mistakenly thought that our words had sunk in. Not only did she leave him, she pressed charges because of his abuse. Our joy was soon eclipsed by disappointment and sadness; she withdrew the charges and claims of abuse. It didn’t take him long to get even. Apparently, she gave up all hope, then he took her life.
Charlie Sewell is a retired Powder Springs police chief. His book “I’d Rather You Call Me Charlie: Reminiscences Filled With Twists of Devilment, Devotion and A Little Danger
Here and There” is available on Amazon. Email him at retiredchiefsewell@gmail.com.