What are you trying to incinerate?
This just in: America needs a good laugh. We’re almost halfway through 2023, and it seems like we are still stuck in 2020.
I am taking a break from the gloom and doom to write about something a bit brighter. At first, I was going to devote a column to my favorite cereals, but that would be flake news.
So buckle up for my tenth edition of Facebook Flubs, Social Media Mishaps, and Auto Correct accidents. (My comments are in parentheses, and yes, I have a whole book of these coming soon!)
“Believe me, if you misspell just one word, your whole text is urined.” (Especially if it’s THAT word.)
“God must love stupid people. He made a hole bunch of them.” (Anybody we know?)
“I am litterly so bored.” (I have the cure: Go pick up some trash.)
“I would love to come see y’all, but I am berried in my work.” you got a job in an orchard?)
From a 10th grader’s essay about her favorite memory from elementary school: ”I always enjoyed showing tail.” (That might explain all those visits to the principal’s office.)
“He said the reason he asked me out, is because he loves my dairy air.” (Wait. What do you have to do with cow flatulence?)
Facebook political comment: “We need a president who can prevent a terrace attack!” (And he needs to protect the patio and veranda too!)
Facebook school comment: “That teacher says my son has 80 HD. Is that some kind of secret code?” (Not sure, but at least he’s in High Definition.)
“My husband fell and hurt his foot again today. He is truly accident porn.” (Please tell me he wasn’t making a video at the time.)
Help wanted: “I need an English Tooter for my son.” (Wish I could help. All I have is a Yorkshire Terrier and an Alaskan Malamute.)
Facebook legal question: “They want me to sign a wafer. What should I do?” (I’d hold out for a Chips Ahoy.)
Newspaper headline: “Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement.” (Something tells me they’re not quite finished.)
Restaurant sign: “Try our pastrami on a beagle!” (If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have the pastrami, but you can hold the beagle.)
Facebook sympathy note: “My heat goes out to you.” (And I’m sincere, I’m not just spewing hot air.)
Facebook argument: “So what are you trying to incinerate?” (Don’t look at me, I never play with matches.)
Facebook political comment: “I don’t like where our country is headed. We should succeed from the union.” (Like they say, nothing secedes like secess!)
Facebook political comment: “They tried to still the election.” (Just don’t let them still your heart.)
“It looks like they would at least give me a constellation prize.” (I mean, I’m not asking for the sun, moon, and stars.)
Facebook political comment: “If we have to, we’ll go all the way to the extreme court!” (Go for it. I love Diana Ross and the Extremes.)
Facebook political comment: “Whether they like it or not, he’s a dooley elected president!” (Hey, leave our legendary Georgia football coach out of this.) Facebook political comment: “Why does the president want more money to repair the inferstructure? Shouldn’t they fix the roads first?” (I agree. He needs to use common cents.)
“I’m proud of Elbert and Esmerelda. They wrote their own wedding vowels.” (That couldn’t have taken up much time. There’s only five of them.)
“Look at my daughter. She is the most precious little angle.” (Especially from the 45 degree view. From 90, not so much.)
“I’m having a problem with my legs. It’s my very close veins.” (Hilda, you’re a great cashier, but this is too much information.)
“My doctor said I have to cut back on sweets, or I will get ‘die of beaties.’” (Those beaties are scary. Almost as bad as cooties.)
From parking lot sign: “If you park here, we will toe your vehicle.” (And Big Earl hasn’t clipped his nails since spring, so this won’t be pretty.)
Keep sending these in, so we can share the laughter, the head-shaking, and the coffee-spitting. We’ll ketchup again next week.