Dirty talk can be fun … but not in your profile
The primary aspect of my job as an online dating coach is scrolling through online dating profiles all day long, selecting potential matches for my clients.
You might call it an occupational hazard, but after reading one too many profiles — often from men — that discuss sex in some form or refer to parts of their anatomy, which I’d rather not have to visualize, my brain wants to explode.
I understand that sex and intimacy (however you choose to define them) are essential components of many romantic relationships.
However, where many people go wrong is believing they need to discuss these topics upfront to determine if someone is a compatible partner. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Particularly for men seeking women online, mentioning any of the following will significantly reduce the number of women interested:
— Sex
— Cuddling
— Kissing
— Body parts — “Physical touch” as a love language
Yes, most people desire these things in a relationship. The (incorrect) reasoning behind those who mention them is often to confirm their importance to their potential partner.
What they fail to realize is by mentioning these things upfront, it may seem like they desire intimate acts with just anyone, prioritizing them over personality, common interests and other elements that make a healthy relationship.
Many people would be interested in these activities, but only with the right person. Until they determine if you’re the right person, seeing these listed words can be a complete turnoff.
Some topics are less crass than others — cuddling, “physical touch,” etc. I still don’t recommend including them, but they are less explicit than descriptions I’ve come across detailing the size of someone’s, well, eggplant, or explicit sexual acts they’d like to engage in with a partner.
There are specific dating sites that cater to more adventurous arrangements, both sexually and in terms of the type of relationship you’re seeking.
One is Feeld, which describes itself as “an inclusive dating app and global community for both singles and couples to explore their desires and find meaningful connections. It is open to all genders and sexual identities and welcomes everyone, from those interested in ethical non-monogamy and alternative relationship structures to those who are simply curious or looking to dip a toe.”
However, on more mainstream sites like Bumble, Hinge and Match.com, I highly recommend leaving discussions about sex out of your profile and saving them for the bedroom — with the right person.
Instead of fixating on physical intimacy, your primary goal in your profile should be to convey your personality, interests and what makes you unique. Highlight your sense of humor, your love for adventure or your dedication to a meaningful cause.
Sharing your interests not only helps potential partners understand who you are as a person, but it also provides excellent conversation starters, or what I call “message bait.” Remember, the best relationships are built on a foundation of shared values and interests.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m as sex-positive as they come. However, there’s a time and place for these conversations, and that time is not before meeting someone, and that place is not in your dating profile.