The secret sauce of text convos: playful reciprocity
Do you often find yourself stuck in an endless loop of lackluster text chains with potential matches?
It’s a common dating app woe, but thankfully, it’s one that you have the power to turn around to work in your favor. Whether you like texting or not, it’s an integral part of modern-day courtship. The sooner you accept that and engage with your texts or in-app DMS, the sooner your connections will be bringing you more fun, excitement and actual IRL (in real life) DATES.
Here’s one useful tip for upping the odds on better text outcomes: If you’re looking to get to a date, choose to always reciprocate. (Oh, look -- we’re rhyming now!)
While we cannot control the behavior of others, we do have the power to harness our own efforts. The more we intentionally reciprocate on the bids others make for attention, the more our text conversations are going to flow.
Think of reciprocating via text as though you’re engaged in a tennis match.
For example, a potential suitor lobs a ball your way: “Hey. How was your day?”
Now, because this isn’t the most exciting entry into the game (in fact, I tell my own clients to ban, “How’s your day?” and “How’s it going?” from their texting lexicon), you may think that it’s an acceptable reciprocation to offer up a response such as, “Fine.” or “Good. Yours?” And in pure mechanics, sure, you are reciprocating. But in reality, when your goal is to create connection, responses like those are more like no response at all. Think of them as dropping the ball.
The true art of reciprocation is all about infusing intention and playfulness into your responses. You want to show that you’re
“game” or open to playing, and willing to be lighthearted. An upbeat tone is especially important in the beginning while you’re just getting to know one another.
Here are some sample responses to the boring “How was your day?” question that keep the conversational tennis ball in action:
-- “I had a life changing burrito from this little food truck outside my office for lunch. What’s your stance on cilantro?”
-- “Well, no one talked to me about my TPS reports today, so I consider that a win. Did you survive your day at Initech? (Please tell me you get the reference) ;)”
-- “I delivered a presentation on the Enneagram that I’ve been working on for weeks and it went so well. :) Any chance you’re familiar with the Enneagram and know your number? I’d love to know!”
All three of the examples above are: light/playful, showcase your personality and open the door for your text companion to reciprocate.
Here’s another scenario to help you get the hang of it: The person you matched with on Hinge commented on the photo of you from your birthday party on a boat with just, “Nice picture.” While they’re clearly not putting in a grand effort to start the conversation with a bang, try using playful reciprocity to get the ball rolling. Some sample responses could include:
-- “Thank you! Fun fact: That ice cream cake is the exact same flavor that I always got for my birthday each year when I was a kid. Do you have a childhood dessert you still crave?”
-- “Have you been out boating recently? That day was especially memorable because we got to swim with manatees!”
-- “Thanks! We ended up on the sandbar where, in a fun coincidence, two other boats were celebrating birthdays, so it was a blast. Are you a fellow ‘birthday person’?”
Usually, once you infuse some good nature into a chat and give your conversation partner a question that will be fun and easy for them to reply to, the text chain hurtles into action. From there, you can keep the vibes in play as you lob the ball back and forth on your way to a scheduled date.
Now, if the person at the other end continues to drop the proverbial ball, at least you can have the confidence to know that you gave it a real try.
The next time you’re finding that your text conversation is feeling stale, make an effort to infuse your side with playful reciprocity. You’ll likely be surprised by how much your responses are able to deliver more engaging responses back your way. Game, set, match!