What it means to be a good father is an evolving concept
Thoughts about the importance of fathers is evolving. If you grew up when I did, most of the TV sitcoms had fathers who were gone all day at work while the mothers stayed at home and took care of the kids. In reality, there was only a small window of time in our country’s history when this even approached being the norm.
After World War II, the economy was booming, and some families opted for the dad who goes to work while mom raises the kids configuration. Prior to this time, mothers almost always worked, so the black-and-white TV notion of “Father Knows Best” or “The Donna Reed Show” is actually a fantasy.
Television is not a great resource to understand the American family. The depiction of fathers as patting kids on the head when they got home from work — while mom cooked dinner, helped with homework and put them to bed — is also largely based on fantasy.
Women were certainly shortchanged by these TV shows. Mothers did make dinners and helped with homework; this was usually after working all day. Men also have been marginalized when it comes to stereotyping.
In my family counseling practice, I see some old school men who stick to the stereotype of it being a man’s job to work and a woman’s job to take care of the kids. Old notions, especially those that subjugate others, die hard.
To understand the modern American family is almost impossible. I still run into some fathers who believe it is their job to guide their children with an iron hand that spanks. Some of these dads like to quote the Bible — “Spare the rod, spoil the child” — and remind child therapists that spanking a child is still legal in the US of A. It may be legal, but it is rarely helpful.
The same mentality espouses, to the child who talks back, “You are to respect your elders.” This notion is also, if not a halfbaked thought, then is half a thought. The complete thought would say that all people, old and young, are equally worthy of respect. Just being old does not mean you have earned respect. That comes from a lifetime of treating people fairly, not becoming older.
The best bosses I’ve had rarely reminded me they were my boss. Instead, they rolled up their sleeves, pitched in and were part of the solution. Those supervisors who needed to remind subordinates who was in charge did so because their behavior did not show a person you would want to emulate.
Same goes with dads who need to remind their kids they will be allowed to talk when given permission and to never consider themselves equal to any adult. It’s easy to pull rank when you have the size and power, but it’s more meaningful to model to children the type of person you hope they will become.