More wedding slapstick: theft, Elvis and a donkey

I don’t know if you’ve ever been involved in a wedding, but it can be a complicated and stressful affair that makes climbing Mount Everest look like an afternoon stroll.

Some of that oxygen that mountain climbers use might be useful right now, because my 23-year-old daughter, Curly Girl, is shortly to be married and is becoming a nervous wreck. Luckily, the wedding venue we picked does almost everything for us — all I have to do is open my wallet and throw gobs of money at them — but my daughter is still worried that her day won’t be “perfect.” As an officially Old Person, I’ve explained to her that nothing is ever perfect and the mishaps make the best stories later on. But this has not relieved her anxiety at all.

I decided to tell true-life stories from people who had wedding disasters. Last week was Part 1. This is Part 2 and I could probably go on for a year. Enjoy.

• “My ex-mother-in-law walked into the church in the middle of our vows, drunk. She made a scene because her boyfriend didn’t leave enough room for her to sit down. Then my veil caught on fire during the unity candle. I should have taken them as signs. I should have run. Veil on fire and all, I should have.” — Araceli M.

• “Wedding at Rosarito Beach. Our wedding deposit is stolen by a wedding planner who disappears, and then all the Champagne is stolen as well. My brother lost the keys to my car that he was supposed to drive back to California. The Register humor columnist Jeff Kramer, who was our minister, rode in on a donkey, but his sombrero got stuck on a low-hanging tree branch and almost knocked him off.” — Teri S. [My friend and watchdog columnist]

• “We were notified two days before our wedding that our venue — a new chapel — did not pass inspection. We found a new location two blocks away, but we didn’t have enough time to notify our guests. So we made maps and my future brother-in-law was supposed to sit in the parking lot of the old venue and give people maps to the new one. Instead, he sat in the parking lot of the new venue and got drunk. Many of our guests couldn’t find our wedding.” — Karen K.

• “My husband’s exgirlfriend ran out of the church crying during our vows.” — Beth T.

• “New brother-in-law accused groom of sending their drunk father out to buy more liquor. An argument started, a fistfight started between male guests defending the groom. New brother-inlaw’s wife jumped on some guy’s back to defend her husband.” — Bernadette E.

• “The first minister we met died of a heart attack a week or two before the wedding. Luckily, his backup met with us and performed the ceremony. My husband said, ‘If something happens to the second one, the wedding is off.’ ” — Marsha L.

• “I had borrowed a white lace wedding dress from a very dear friend. I sat down in an antique chair at the reception. It broke, I fell on the floor, spilling red fruit punch all down the front of the dress, the chair, and the white carpet. My new husband still kept me.” — Charline H.

• “Kitchen grease fire filled the reception room with smoke. We had to evacuate for about an hour. The fire department showed up. [They] signed the guest book.” — Kathy M.

• “My bridesmaids’ suite was burglarized during our wedding reception! My purse was stolen and we were flying across country the next day.” — Leah W.

• “My husband could not stop crying to say his wedding vows, to the point the wedding officiant asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this. But 30 years later, we are still going strong.” — Karen M.

• “My stepdad left me at home. He was supposed to take me to the church. Ceremony started late.” — Synthia S.

• “My husband and I married at a drive-through in Las Vegas. An Elvis in a gold lame jacket and a vintage pink convertible Cadillac almost backed into our car, which we became aware of when the minister began gesturing wildly. We thought it was a weird part of the ceremony. My daughter and our dog were in the back seat. My daughter took some pictures. Alas, we found out later, no film in the camera.” — Cathy A.

• “Bride … me … got nervous and decided not to go. Told fiance to have fun and call me in the morning. He made several trips back to hotel to convince me to go, leaning on my Midwest upbringing, ‘can’t be rude.’ Finally got dressed and went. It was a party where we happened to get married, so all sushi was gone. Drinks were flowing. Guests thought we were having sweet talk, but to convince me to go ahead, he bribed me with all his frequent flyer miles. (27 years ago.)” — Andrea M.