Stepmother is feeling slighted
I am a first-generation Mexican American who married into a Caucasian blended family. My husband, my stepdaughter, “Lisa,” and her mother and stepfather make up a beautiful unit. I have no children. Although my family initially ruffled at my interracial marriage, they got with the program —so much so that we invited Lisa to partake in a coming-of-age rite, the quinceanera. We were excited to update and modify it as much as possible so all sets of parents, grandparents and other family could be involved.
Suddenly, when Lisa was 14 — a year before the quinceanera, when planning should be ramped up, not down — my extended family went into radio silence. Despite our attempts to encourage, coach and generate excitement, we were led to believe Lisa had gotten cold feet and was reconsidering the event.
We honored her wishes and planned to find other ways to make her feel special. Two weeks before her 15th birthday, Lisa sent me an invitation for her quinceanera! Abby, words cannot express how heartbroken I feel. I was supposed to teach her about the cultural significance of what she was embarking on. I attended anyway, making sure to shower her with praise and put on a good face. However, in addition to being devastated, I was deeply offended. Of course, because no one bothered to check in, many features of the rite were handled improperly.
I’ve been holding my tongue for Lisa’s sake since I’m afraid this could cause a rift with her mother. What I don’t want is for Lisa to think my feelings have anything to do with something she may have done. For the sake of peace, is continued silence better? — Madre De La Quinceanera
Your feelings of hurt and frustration are understandable. But LISA CHOSE to celebrate her birthday the way she and her mom wanted — and that was her privilege. Rather than give the girl an authentic quinceanera and an understanding of the meaning of that milestone, it appears her mother and stepfather opted instead for “quinceaneralight.” Do not pick a fight over this. Move on. But do continue to share with Lisa everything you have to offer — your wisdom, your experience and your cultural heritage — from now on.