Mother has second thoughts

DEAR ABBY >> My husband and I moved near the ocean last year. I have two sons, 21 and 17. My older son moved across the country with some friends. The younger son, “Cody,” chose at the last minute to stay with his dad.

Cody dropped out of high school and did not keep up with his homeschool work. He quit his jobs and he’s on depression medication. This week, both boys moved where I am. My house is small, so I got them an apartment in my name. The landlord thinks I’m going to be living there.

My question is, how often should I go there and clean, make dinner and visit? My husband thinks I should back off, but

Cody is only 17 and going through a lot.

They moved into the apartment today, so this is still new. Also, is it crazy that I paid to put them in their own apartment? I felt like it was an OK choice since our house is so small. They both are planning to get jobs and the younger one wants to start college. But they’re lazy and messy and I feel like I need to step in to help more. Any suggestions?

— Mom of Boys

in California

DEAR MOM >> Your older son is an adult. Your younger one is on the verge of becoming one. It’s time for both to learn the skills they need to take care of themselves. Going there every day to cook, clean, do laundry and visit would be counterproductive to teaching them how to become independent.

If your older son has a job, he should contribute to the rent and groceries. Your younger son will never get into college if he doesn’t do the homework he’s ignoring. Having a small home doesn’t mean he couldn’t live with you until he establishes a healthy routine.

DEAR ABBY >> I have a brother-in-law I have no contact with because he is jealous of my success and has made violent threats toward me. Every holiday and family function, when my mom asks me to attend, I ask if “Mr. Violent” is going to be there. Her answer is always, “I can’t tell him he is not invited.”

It always turns out that my wife and kids attend and I go either to work or to a bar to watch sports because I don’t want to be around this person. Any advice on how I should handle this?

— Loathing in Florida

DEAR LOATHING >> Your brother-in-law’s jealousy is his problem; you have made it yours. That was a mistake. Accept that you will never have a close relationship with this brother-in-law, allow him to “enjoy” his jealousy and pretty much ignore him.