The pandemic and relationships

This weekly column seeks to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing. Dear Dr. Ted:

I know in the midst of this pandemic my question may seem a bit miniscule, but I’m struggling and was hoping you could give me some information on relationships and codependency. I’ve decided I must be a huge codependent as I feel so uncomfortable with my partner when I feel she is not treating me right or makes me feel like just another piece of furniture in the house that is not even noticed. Can you talk a little bit about codependency?

Thanks, Invisibly Here

Dear Invisible,

I think it is a great question you asked me about last week. The pandemic is real and is wreaking havoc all over the world. It has also magnified the pressures of everyday living including the stresses of relationships. Life has continued during this pandemic and it is very real and important to be conscious of, and not disenfranchise, feelings as they may feel “miniscule” compared to a global crisis. On the other hand, each person is still responsible for their own well-being and you and your feelings also matter. There is a tough balance between working with the larger picture of the world and caring for yourself in the microcosm of your existence, and both are important. Without the micro, there would be no macro.

Relationships are hard and finding ways to communicate and be seen, heard and valued are essential for a healthy relationship. Codependency is something that is experienced by all humans and it will ebb in and out of relationships periodically.

Codependency is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another entity (person, animal, plant). Usually this is another person. A codependent person feels as if they cannot function without that relationship and their thinking is in a place of continuously trying to secure that relationship from dissolving by being excessively preoccupied with the needs of that person, at the expense of their own needs. There is also contra-dependency, which is still codependency, where someone acts completely independent, aloof, and inaccessible. The contra-dependent is dependent on the other person continuously giving while the contra continues to take, but in reality, is dependent on the giver to feel secure, while blaming the giver (codependent) as needy. It can be very confusing, and relationships are messy as both people are working through their historical experiences of needs, wants, insecurities, traumas, deficiencies and strengths. The goal is to reach a place of interdependence in which both people can lean on one another to navigate this world as a team while honoring each other’s needs and wants, but not at the expense of their own autonomy, values, needs and beliefs. Every person has needs and each person needs to be seen, heard and valued to some degree.

Working towards interdependence takes a conscious and daily effort of appreciation, communication and recognizing what is good in the relationship, as well as what can be improved. Navigating your own world by setting boundaries on what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, and what your partner is willing to do and not do, can help decide if you are compatible for one another. If compatible, then the magic comes from the discipline of not taking each other for granted, being flexible without snapping and showing gratitude and love while working with the needs and wants of each other. You cannot depend on the other to take away your difficulties, but together you can help hold each other through those difficulties and authentically letting the other one know they matter. Until next week, I wish you health, healing, and love.