Supporting and rescuing are completely different actions

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Dear Dr. Ted:

I have had many losses this year, including the death of my father. I noticed a certain irritation by many of my well-meaning friends in which they tried to help me and instead I felt like I was “tainted goods” and had a feeling of being smothered rather than supported. Even though I am grateful for their intentions, I didn’t feel their actions were helpful. I also started doing my own inventory, noticing, where do I try to fix things rather than being supportive. Can you say more as I explore this new revelation about myself and others who try to help, but may not be, being supportive?

Thanks, Katiana

Dear Katiana:

Thank you for sharing your personal path within your healing journey. The natural and normal healing process always amazes me, as someone, like you, chooses to do conscious grief work and how new personal growth and new levels of consciousness often reveal themselves. You bring up an enormous topic regarding the importance of being aware of supporting versus rescuing someone in their time of need. This can come into play in any situation involving emotional distress from grief, addiction, homework, finances, health and any other situation in which you may find yourself in a difficult time and in need of help.

Caregiving does not hijack your situation, but helps give you the support as you walk through that stressful time that is impacting the quality of your life. When you give support to someone in their time of need, you are giving them a hand in their tough time, but not trying to take their pain away. When you rescue, there is a certain unconscious and silent message being sent that you do not believe the person can do it and you will just fix it for them. Believe me, everybody likes the instant gratification of having the discomfort removed immediately, but on a deeper level for long-term rewards within life, we each have to succeed on our own, with the support of others.

When you have been victimized and find yourself in a recovery process to rediscover your foundation of serenity and well-being, your mind will want to reach out to be rescued. But the real work is to not advocate to be rescued, but instead, to be empowered to heal and find support — in which your support is believing in yourself to heal and grow. The irritation you may have felt might be where people are jumping into your personal world with the intention of helping, but in actuality, hijacking your autonomy of where you want/ need help and where you can walk on your own.

If you were to break your leg, you might need crutches to help your leg heal and give you the balance to maneuver the world around you. The crutches help when you choose to use them, and cannot take your healing path from you or walk for you, but they can give the support to allow you to walk again. The same concept applies when it comes to receiving support from a caregiver. A healthy caregiver can give healthy support when asked, and trust you to heal in your own individualized way, giving you the autonomy to be in charge of your healing path. It is always healthy to ask for support when needed. In this process, you own your recovery and continue to grow and mature into your full potential.

Until next week, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at GWR@newmex.com or call at 575-776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.