Gaslighting: A difficult aspect of emotional health

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Dear Dr. Ted:

I know you recently touched on gaslighting, I keep hearing about it and see how detrimental gaslighting in my life is for my emotional well-being. I have also heard of breadcrumbing. Will you please help me understand these concepts?

Thanks, Ellie

Dear Ellie,

You are correct — gaslighting has become a popular and valid concept within our society. Like most popular sayings, it has many meanings. Breadcrumbing is being discussed more and more as society is becoming in tune with the dynamics of relationships.

Probably the most common and easiest way to think about gaslighting is when you are psychologically manipulated by someone to question your own sanity. Another way of saying this is that gaslighting is when someone presents a false story which makes you question your perceptions of the person, allowing for you to be misled, disoriented and/ or distressed. When your perception of the reality around you becomes disoriented, you can easily question your sanity as your self-esteem deteriorates. When this happens, it can make it easier for others to take advantage of you, kind of like a false lighthouse in the fog, leading you to the rocks rather than the safe waters.

In abusive relationships (romantic and others as well), this is where breadcrumbing comes into play. Breadcrumbing is where someone gives sporadic (false or real) information to keep you on a line of false hope as there is little follow-through. With emotional distress from gaslighting and then desperately trying to find a path of relief on the falsified path of relief and validation, a codependent or dependent emotional trap is set. That’s where you can be captured in the cycle of abuse, causing more and more deterioration of selfesteem and illusionary hope and increased dependence on another person, who can then dominate you.

Just like other types of domestic abuse and relational dysfunction, gaslighting and breadcrumbing are not gender specific. Even though these types of relational dynamics are mostly thought of in romantic relationships, as you become aware of this type of emotional manipulation, you will notice dysfunctional behavior in many situations: Politics, the media, advertisements, judicial systems, work — all of these have a tendency to set up emotional tug-of-wars, where someone is trying to break someone down and then entice them into a controlling environment where autonomy is taken and power is the goal.

To be fair, I don’t believe this is always done consciously and on a sociopathic level. I truly believe most people are good, but it doesn’t mean survival skills have not led to this type of emotional manipulation. Becoming aware, seeking our professionals and healthy friends can help give you reality checks on if you may be falling into or you are in an emotional trap. Learning to keep your own autonomy, setting healthy boundaries and continuously working on your self-care can help eliminate hierarchal differentials within relationships. You may also discover times where you may be doing the same. Becoming aware of emotional manipulation can help to decrease power-splitting and allow for more equality in the world. If we all begin with ourselves, then move to our personal and professional relationships, we could expand this to change the fear and atrocities our world is experiencing now. Starting with yourself is the key.

Thank you for bringing this important topic back to my attention.

Until next week, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at GWR@newmex.com or call at 575-776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.