New sobriety often comes with grief
The Taos News has committed to implementing a column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.
Dear Dr. Ted:
My husband has chosen to go into recovery from an addiction issue that he has had for quite a while. He has now been sober for about 30 days and, to my surprise, the other day he said he is doing well but grieving the loss of his old life. This confused us both, so I decided to write in and ask if you could say anything on this strange behavior.
Thanks, Being Supportive
Dear Supportive,
It is always great to hear of someone taking the brave steps and actions to work toward or continue with recovery from addiction. Addiction is an amazing disease that can hijack someone’s life: their thinking process, their actions and behaviors and all other aspects of their being. Stepping into sobriety can be a radical change, not only biologically and privately, but also socially and publicly.
Any time there is a change in a person’s life, there is a grief process. Sometimes, this is subtle and other times, it is obvious. It is easy to understand experiencing grief after someone has died, health issues, divorce or other losses that appear sad and traumatizing. Grief also plays an enormous role in transitions in life that are celebratory.
Loss is any time in a person’s life when there is a change, and that person must adapt to that change in order to truly be defined by who they are today, rather than how they perceived themselves in the past. This includes positive changes, as the brain may know this change is for the good, but it does not mean habitual practices; ways of going about one’s day, thought processes and interacting with others are not disrupted, causing many parts of life to be altered.
Stepping into recovery can mean losing social circles, “buddies,” communities and other ways that the person had been conducting their life before making the decision to get sober. It can cause new tensions within the family as many unconscious and conscious ways of how the family system have been set up are disrupted, usually for the better — but there is disruption and chaos while a new norm is being established. Someone may have to grieve the loss of that drug of choice as parts of their mind may have seen it as an ally or friend, something that helped them through difficult or stressful times. Addiction starts as a subtle disease, but slowly, it corrodes the fiber of life. This slow corrosion means that, even though it is taking away someone’s authentic way of being, that new norm of addiction is establishing the new norm of life.
The good news is that moving into recovery helps rebuild an authentic and sustainable way of life. By consciously grieving the death of one lifestyle, someone can step into a lifestyle that better serves them, their family and community. The grief process builds the bridge to a healthier life and identifies that a loss has happened even when that loss is for the better. Finding support groups, professional help and healthy friends can help support this process and allow for long-term sobriety.
It sounds like your partner and you are on the right track of recovery and a new healthier life.
Until next week, stay safe and take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.
AA sobriety chips awarded for abstaining from alcohol or other substance for months. It is a token given to 12 step group members.