Shame and grief often walk together

The Taos News has committed to implement a column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

I have been doing some selfexploration and looking at how shame often is a part of my life. Someone told me that shame and unresolved losses can go hand in hand. Do you believe this is true?

Thanks, Allen

Dear Allen:

I find self-exploration and growth exciting, yet most people do not take the time to consciously observe themselves and be curious about what makes them tick within this world. I commend you for your bravery to explore and grow by understanding yourself and how you navigate your world. The higher level of self-realization leads to a more serene life, where you can respond rather than react within the environment you live.

Shame is corrosive to self-esteem and can lead to unhealthy behaviors as well as self-hatred. You may have made decisions in your life that you wish you could redo and feel guilty. This is different than shame. Guilt is where you may feel you have done something wrong while shame is felt when you know you were wrong. Guilt gives you the opportunity to amend the behavior, while with shame, you feel there is nothing that can be fixed and it is you that is broken. Shame judges harshly and does not have a recourse for amending the action or situation that seems there is a wrong in behavior and/ or life choice. I like to think of shame as an acronym standing for should have already mastered everything.

This leaves no room for the human experience and only leads to negative judgement to oneself or others, negating compassion and care. Unresolved grief can be the garden for shame, as grief derives from loss. Grief is the process of any type of loss in which an event has happened there is the natural and normal healing process called grief. Grief redefines you into the present moment while loss is what has caused you to redefine certain aspects of your life, or, perhaps, redefine to the core of your being. Part of grief is bargaining, in which your system cognitively tries to make sense out of your loss. Quite often, the bargaining process can lead to what part you played in the loss in reality — or not. This can lead to shame as you may blame yourself for that loss and condemn yourself to not be worthy for healing and growth from that loss. This leaves little wiggle room for self-forgiveness and leaves you caught in a no-win situation.

A friend and I were talking about forgiveness the other day. He said that forgiveness is giving up on the idea that you can change the past. I really liked this, and it fits right into grief: You cannot change the past but you can transform into the best person you can be in the present. Shame holds you back from your authentic and best self. Through the grief process, shame can be released. Forgiveness to others and self can happen and you are given the chance to not be confined and defined by the past but truly soar to your fullest potential in this present moment. Taking the time to heal unresolved losses through grief can remove the self-imposed jail of shame, allowing you to live fully.

Until next week, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@newmex.com or call at 575-776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.