Letting go of silence as a family tradition

Taos is celebrated for its triculture — a mix of Hispanics, Native Americans and Anglos. This has led to a wonderful mosaic of language, art, food, music, traditions and spirituality that makes Taos a special place. The multiculturalism also shows up in the rhythms of daily life and traditions, which weave a fabric that explains why people have chosen to live in Northern New Mexico.

Unfortunately, there’s also a “silence” existing within families stopping many victims from asking for help from Community Against Violence (CAV), law enforcement and the medical community.

This silence evolves out of a family’s belief system, often reinforced by religious and traditional beliefs that oppose separation or divorce for any reason. Outside expectations, economic status, roles of males and females, stresses, and lack of supports outside the family have also been seen as further reinforcing this code of silence. The silence in these more traditional families has existed for so long, the fear of disappointing family also leads people to stay in a violent, potentially deadly relationship.

At CAV, we serve all victims/ survivors of domestic or sexual violence regardless of gender, economic status, religion or cultural background. We provide confidential free support, counseling, safety planning, shelter and other services to those who reach out. A vision of a non-violent future for our communities is central to all CAV does.

Many relatives believe that, despite repeated abuse, families are better off together than apart. We often hear from parents that they stayed in the relationship “for the children.” They believed they should endure whatever was needed so their children could have a home with two parents.

The truth is all forms of violence — verbal, emotional, sexual, economic or physical — tears families apart and mistakenly teach children that family violence is love. But another truth is that many victims don’t come forward because of misplaced shame or fear of damaging the family’s reputation.

Another often stated reason someone didn’t leave is that they didn’t understand it was domestic violence. Here’s what Leslie Steiner, a domestic violence survivor and the author of the memoir “Crazy Love” shared during a Ted Talk in 2013:

“Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn’t know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man…”

Because we understand a man or woman leaving their abuser may not be a person’s goal when they seek services, CAV provides free and confidential services to all survivors of domestic and sexual violence, whether they’re seeking support and thinking about leaving, or considering how to safely remain.

If someone comes to you in confidence about an abusive situation, it’s important to listen and not offer advice. Acknowledge they’re in a very difficult situation. Remind them the abuse isn’t their fault, even if they choose to stay in the relationship. Listen without judging because they’re trying to make decisions under very challenging circumstances. Criticizing those decisions, suggesting they leave, or blaming them for the abuse will only make them unwilling to reach out for help when needed — leaving them in a dangerous position. Let them know you’re available to help. And CAV is, too.

Malinda Williams is the executive director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers free confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour HELPline at 575758-9888 or 24-hour TEXTline 575-770-2706 and TaosCAV.org.