Teen dating violence: What to look for and how to respond
As parents, we watch with nervousness and excitement as our children grow into adolescence, stretching their wings, feeling what it’s like to live in the adult world, testing limits of personal freedom — and starting to date.
Although it’s a completely natural transition in the journey toward adulthood, teen dating can be a precarious balancing act among what youngsters feel and how they should act sexually, as well as what parents need to say and do during these times. Questions of intimacy, consent and respect come front and center.
For sure, parents need to support their teen’s feelings of excitement that come with beginning to date. And they want everyone to feel safe. Healthy teen dating can be the foundation for healthy romantic relationships throughout their lives.
Unfortunately, not all teen dating is healthy. Statistics say one in three American teen girls will experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse from someone with whom they’re in a relationship before they become adults. More than two-thirds of the victims never tell anyone — out of embarrassment, shame or fear of reprisals. And all teens need to have real information on healthy versus unhealthy relationships and what “consent” is and isn’t.
It’s critical that parents and young people talk about all of this before it happens. Experts confirm dating violence can produce long-lasting psychological damage. Having frank, loving conversations before dating, and ongoing, can make a huge difference.
Examples of dating violence include:
• Emotional abuse: Insulting/ calling you names, embarrassing you, accusing you of cheating, threatening to harm you (or loved ones/pets) or exposing your secrets.
• Physical abuse: Pushing, shaking, slapping, holding you down, throwing or breaking your personal belongings, such as a cell phone.
• Sexual abuse: Subjecting you to unwanted kissing or touching, pressuring you to have sex, making you feel guilty for not wanting sex, demanding sexually explicit photos or videos from you.
• Digital abuse: Constantly tracking you online, calling, texting, direct messaging, telling you who can be your social media “friends,” directly or anonymously sending hurtful messages.
• Financial abuse: Stealing or coercing money from you, your family or your friends.
Now is the time to share this list with parents/guardians and teens and discuss it together. We at CAV know it’s challenging for adults to talk with teens, regardless of the topic. Because dating violence is so common, it must be taken seriously. Teens are in a vulnerable position so adults must commit themselves to open, honest, interactive and calm conversations.
As a community, we can reduce teen dating violence by, one, acknowledging it really happens; two, making extra efforts to talk about it — and modeling safe behavior — to make a real difference; and three, intercede: Adults need to recognize the signs (changes in behavior; falling grades; avoiding friends, family and usual activities; making excuses for their partner’s behavior; suspicious injuries) and understand the affect sexual violence has on a young person’s well-being.
For more information, visit loveisrespect.org, and call CAV for support and resources.
Be one of One Billion Rising in Taos
Once again, it’s time to join hands and hearts together to end sexual violence. Come to Taos Plaza on Thursday, Feb. 14, from 4-5:30 p.m. to gather, enjoy activities and snacks and watch or join in the dance that will be happening all over the world the same day for the annual One Billion Rising event.
Local information at Facebook. com/CAVTAOS/, and more on the movement at onebillionrising.org.
Malinda Williams is the executive director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAVs 24-hour HELPline at 575758-9888 or 24-hour TEXTline 575-770-2706 or visit TaosCAV.org.