Do you see what I see?

How a safe environment can give space for differing perspectives

The Taos News has committed to implement a column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat, and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted,

It’s so amazing that it is already February. I’m always amazed when I’m in difficult situations. It seems time goes so slowly, but when I look back it seems to be zipping by me. This idea brings me to my topic for you on perspective. I feel our world is in a difficult place, and I notice I become fearful to speak my thoughts as they will be cut down by someone or I’ll be told I’m wrong. I’ve noticed I am much more careful and filter my thoughts even with my partner. Is the world not as safe to just share ideas?

Thanks, Jeff

Dear Jeff,

You bring up a great point of how the world seems to be less safe to share thoughts, experiences, ideas, passion and all types of self-disclosure, due to the fear of being dismissed, ignored or chastised. Disclosure of ideas is vulnerable and intimate and these parts of your true self get to be shared in safe situations. It seems the world is not very safe for vulnerable sharing, and I believe this is a collective grief that is being felt all over the world. Remembering that each person is uniquely different is important and that, through experiences, the brain has perceived the world through that unique lens. What is forgotten is that this means each person thinks differently, perceives things differently, but within this difference is the opportunity for transformational growth. The sad part is as you disclose and are not acknowledged, more and more of a survival shutdown happens, as it can be painful to have your thoughts and perceptions ignored or chastised in large groups or within your intimate circle. Understanding that each person sees the world differently — and that some see the glass half-full, others see the glass half-empty, while others see the glass balanced — will help you to remember whatever you are thinking is a different perspective than the person next to you.

In a safe environment, the differences can be shared with curiosity and intimacy. As you share and are acknowledged with a gentle openness and curiosity, ideas and perspectives can be exchanged with no demand for either person to change. If the intimate act of sharing is not acknowledged or with the harshness of your ideas being wrong, there is more shutting down and less chance for intimacy, disclosure and the sharing of ideas. This relational wedge then grows, causing more and more isolation with less and less acceptance of differences. In my perspective, this is what is happening within our homes, communities and the world, causing more and more fear, violent communication, violent acts and war on all levels of life.

I happen to be a glass-half-full kind of guy and believe people always have the opportunity to change and break isolation. This act will be more and more people accepting that each person has a different perspective, even like-minded people. The gentle act of honoring each person’s perspective, while being curious, can grant enough safety to allow a common playing field, where each person can be seen, heard and valued. This allows people to share and honor each person’s life journey. Kindness, gentleness and staying open to ideas will manifest a place of safety so people can break isolation and be willing to be mindful of others’ vulnerability while respecting their differences and commonalities as they also share and honor their own. This is where healing, on all levels, has a chance.

Until the next article, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.