Tracking your anger leads to better outcomes

ASK GOLDEN WILLOW Ted Wiard

The Taos News has committed to implementing a column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat, and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

As we move into March and I think about the old saying, “Spring comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb,” it makes me think about how this correlates to anger. I have noticed that I can become really angry and can cause emotional damage to myself, as well as relations around me. I feel like I am the constant lion wreaking havoc and then sheepishly trying to clean it up afterward. Can you speak on this topic in a way that might make sense to me?

Thank you, Spring is Coming

Dear Spring is Coming,

It is now March and it is so amazing how time can seem to move so slowly, as well as so fast at the same time! I’m glad you bring up the issue of anger, as it is something that should be discussed more often and will allow healing if the emotion can be understood at a deeper level.

If you thought of anger as an incremental flow chart, it would have different phases that our brain and body go through within the acceleration for deceleration of emotional dysregulation. Anger starts as an irritation in which something may be bothersome or annoying, as the annoyance increases, it moves to anger and the brain is now aware of the annoyance and feels this could be dangerous and needs to change the situation by having the annoyance stop.

Anger is the emotion that tells your system that there is some sort of discomfort/danger. With this information, the brain goes into action, increasing hormones in case there is a need to fight or run away. If anger is not relieved from the danger, it starts to build resentment at this phase; your system is now stockpiling ammunition, rationalizations and justification for the anger. This tells the brain to add more hormonal efforts and get ready for war. If the annoying stimulation persists, the brain starts to shut down inhibitors, values and is ready to attack, also known as “rage.”

Rage comes from a different part of the brain and is set up for survival of self and the species at all costs. With the mindful and humanistic part of the brain now shutting down, the body full of fight and flight hormones, there is an increased chance of violence toward the self and others: physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and even energetically (passively). Rage leads to violence and is similar to your analogy of “comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb,” which happens within your own internal survival and behavioral makeup.

To remember that irritation and anger are not bad, and are instead only emotions, is key. Emotions don’t need to be ignored, however, and can be signals that something may need to change with communication, boundaries or self-care — spiritually, mentally, emotionally and/or physically. Formal supports, such as therapy or medical needs, external protection or support, all help your system to not become agitated to where your actions don’t result in harm.

If you have acted in a way that has not served you or someone else, making amends and making sure there is not a burning ember that can re-spark the entire dance of rage is key for a different outcome. Finding safety, staying humble and keeping your side of the street healthy and clean, can help you stay calm, as well as have an impact on others as they feel more comfortable and are less likely to go into their anger slide to rage. Taking time to care for yourself, learn what your needs are and how to address these needs, will allow you to navigate to healthier emotions and have less messes to clean up.

Until the next article, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.