A part of life and grief
The Taos News has committed to implementing a column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat, and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.
Dear Dr. Ted,
As I age and watch my kids grow up, I’m realizing I have lost a lot of control. Even though I realize that I wanted them to grow up and do their own thing, I’m seeing how this can leave me wondering what my next job is in my life. I have heard of individuation, in which kids slowly start to have their own lives, but do parents individuate themselves from their kids as well?
Thanks, Curious Dad
Dear Curious Dad,
What a great concept, as individuation from different relationships is an ongoing process and rarely talked about in daily discussions. Within psychology, individuation is the process of self-realization in which you differentiate yourself from others. Developmentally, as you grow and mature you start to realize you are not defined by the relationships around you, especially your caregivers. The same process is going on for your caregivers as they slowly have less responsibilities for your well-being and behaviors.
This energetic tension can cause disruption and turmoil within the family and cause turmoil, or it can be a subtle transformational process. If your family is not aware Ted Wiard of changes
or ignores the natural process of individuation, stagnation within the family dynamics, higher levels of anxiety, anger, and relational discord may occur. This happens within all of your relationships, not only with the children and parents, but within partnerships, friends and communities, even within yourself. Perceptions of who you are and psychological contracts of how things are done are in constant flux as time goes on and new experiences happen. As changes happen within your life, old ways of doing things and interacting with others may have changed as well. If you try to hold onto outdated relational ways of being, tension can increase as those ways of being no longer are in alignment with what is happening presently.
As you age, you may need more help when you find you are no longer the helper, or you retire and are no longer defined by your job. As a parent, your kids may now need to help you more than you helping them. This could be seen as a complement in which your kids have become old enough and mature enough to help you, but it can be emotionally difficult realizing they are now self-sufficient, even though this is the outcome that being a good parent is meant to achieve. But there can also be a magical time in which both the parent and the adult child are self-sufficient, and a symbiotic relationship can form, in which each person is their own individual and together, creating a stronger collective.
Honoring and grieving changes within relationships can allow a conscious scaffolding process of maturation. The grief process of honoring the past while redefining the relationship to match the present, will help reduce stress and allow psychological contracts to be an ongoing agreement within the relationship, keeping it alive and healthy. Being open to change, communication about the changes and working together within these changes, allows for a natural process of maturing and honoring where you are today within your relationships.
Until the next article, take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.