Building friendships
HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR FIRST
best friend? I remember the day I met my childhood best friend. They had just moved into the neighborhood, and she was outside looking for her cat. It was the '90s, so there were no scheduled playdates or planning around it; we just met. I might have introduced myself and asked, "Do you want to be friends?" and, just like that, we were friends until she moved away in middle school.
Now that I am raising my own children, I think about the ease of childhood relationships when I was younger versus now. Here in Taos, there are just a few neighborhoods where you simply walk outside or down the road and find a forever friend. Cultivating friendships for kids now is often a task of finding out "What is so-and-so's mom's name?" as a start to gaining contact info and getting to know this potential friend.
Supporting kids in connecting with friends has gotten more complicated in recent years, as we are still re-learning and changing our social norms. But the thing is, childhood friendships are some of the most important relationships your kids can develop outside of family and one of the things caregivers report being most worried about in today's society. And actually, it is a developmental milestone! Ryan Hendrix, a Northern California speech and language pathologist, says, "Making a friend is a complex task that on the surface looks easy; friendship is a social executive function task, and there's a lot of effort that goes into even figuring out who you might want to have a connection with."
In honor of building friendships and this month of love, I asked the Twirl team how they met their first best friends. Here are their stories:
"Paula and I have been friends since 1st grade when I started a week late at a new school. During a break, she let me cut in line ahead of her at the water fountain, and we have been friends ever since." - Ms. Amber.
"I've been friends with Joni since PreK. Our teachers put us into groups of two, and we had to draw each other, so we did, and have been best friends ever since. Our moms still have the drawings." - Grayson
“I met Gabby in kindergarten; we were in the same class and just became friends. That year, we won the best friend award, which we still have a copy of, and we're still best friends." - Ms. Ashley.
"My best friend is named Leanne; I met her at Headstart. I remember when I first met her, she was really shy, and our parents were walking us into school at the same time. She was holding onto her dad's leg, and I pulled her away from her dad and told her, "We're friends now." We're still best friends!" Ms.
Shannon
“I met (one of) my best friends at an art camp; we were 12, I think. She was the only one who thought it was cool and understood why I decided to make a giant, paper-mâché, mint green camel. My other bestie and I became friends in first grade, because we both had gaps between our teeth. We are still friends!" - Ms. Nina.
When we think about the importance of our children's friendships, we might think of it as a way to fill their time, but learning these skills early on increases positive outcomes for children. Creating friendships helps your child develop social-emotional skills, self-confidence and sense of identity, empathy and compassion, communication and conflict resolution skills, positive peer influence, and teamwork skills. Supporting your kids in developing healthy friendships involves a combination of guidance, encouragement and modeling healthy behaviors that provide a safe space for your young ones. Every child, and adult for that matter, is different, and social interactions look different for everyone. Here in Taos, we often see children forging new relationships as they negotiate the Twirl slide or take turns on the monkey bars.
Building skills around friendships and healthy relationships can also help lower risk factors and adversity throughout a lifetime. Research suggests the quality of early social interactions can impact many aspects of adulthood, from mental health to professional success and even physical health. These statistics are not conclusive and are generally not the sole factor in any of these things. However, the positive impacts of friendships and the ability to make and keep them are clear.